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Dream a
Little Dream with Me
Daydreaming has got to be the cheapest form of entertainment there is if you
can do it right. I, myself, am a professional daydreamer. I can
daydream all day long whilst still maintaining the appearance of paying
attention to all the reality that surrounds me. Lately, besides the
usual daydreams of running away to a far off land with a tall, blue eyed,
handsome (and great conversationalist) man, I've been fantasising about what
else I could be doing with my time instead of waiting tables. I've
mastered and detailed over and over again in my creative mind three
possibilities. Humour me for they are, indeed, fantastic if not mad.
The
first is my favourite. I'm starting with my favourite because; 1. I
can and 2. It's the most developed and rehearsed of all the Dream Careers.
I could be an Interior Designer on the BBC hit Changing Rooms. This
show isn't only what spawned the American version of Trading Spaces, but
it's what Trading Spaces wishes it were. Every time I watch this
program, I can't help but think of all I'd do differently and how utterly
fantabulous it would be. I imagine myself, amidst walls of cranberry
and trims of gold, Carol stopping by to see my progress as I work with an
English couple in turning their neighbour's abode into a posh work of art.
I'd smile nervously, explain that we had a few hang-ups and may not be ready
in time… this said just to make the viewer think "Oh no! They only
have two hours left!" Yep, a little fashion cliff-hanger. Then, after
I've added fresh poppies to handmade vases made from spray-painted milk
cartons, I'd listen as Carol told me I had stayed within my £500 limit and
how the flambouyant Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen had not. Then, as we drank
our Guinness stout, I'd rub it in to him that my hand painted mural was so
much better than his and make him cry. Okay, he may not cry, per se,
but it's MY daydream so sod off.
What
else have I imagined myself doing besides being the creative designer on a
popular how-to show? I could be a mattress model, that's what. I
mean, think about a mattress model for a minute. They do nothing but
lay on a bed and "sleep" and probably make good money just looking rested.
I could even be versatile; one take under the covers sleeping soundly, the
next merely snoozing on a plain mattress wearing an even plainer nightgown
and pantyhose. I still haven't quite figured out why a mattress model
in the commercials wears pantyhose with her nightgown, but it's nothing to
fret about. Maybe, in some lands, women sleep in pantyhose and far be
it for me to end this tradition. I'm sure they have their reasons;
such as, an overzealous husband. What I do know is that I'm perfect
for the job for I have been a happy user of mattresses now for 31 years.
I have never tried those ones that prop you up to watch television or read a
book, but I'm sure, with great direction, I could handle it.
This
last one may seem a little far fetched, but it is a daydream, for goodness
sakes. Ready? Okay… *deep breath*... I could be a sorority
sister. I know, I know… too old and not quite the type to conform to
the masses, but a girl can dream, yes? I mean, why work at all when
you can just barely take a few college classes and spend the rest of the
time in a house full of "sisters" being snooty? Imagine the judgmental
powers during initiations and the heavy-handed control of telling this girl
"No way, try the Sigma Sigma Phi's down the road" and telling the next "Oh,
you WISH!". Hazing is illegal *wink wink*, but I could still use my
words to scar someone for the four years they attend whatever college I'm
daydreaming of. One with ivy, maybe. I dunno. My days
could be spent in a tanning bed while my nights were booked trying to show
my breasts on videocam calling out the ever popular "Whooohoooo!" as I
flashy flash flash. Sure, the occasional weekend would have to be
spent volunteering for some inane charity such as "Boxes For the Homeless"
or some shit, but afterwards my sisters and I would celebrate our
humanitarian efforts by hosting a triple kegger off the top balcony of our
house… in togas.
So,
there you have it. Like it or lay your head in it, as my grandmum
says. I have no idea how to end this article, so I'll just shout out a
"Whooohooo!" and leave it at that before leaving to practice my mattress
modeling. Ciao! (That's interior designer's talk for "Bye".) |
