|
Lent, Schment
Break
out the special menus, it's Lent Time! That's right, appease your God by
giving up meat until Easter. Meanwhile, piss off your wait staff by being
just plain finicky.
I
wasn't raised Catholic, or any other Lenten participating organised
religion, but I was raised by a theology professor so I know what it's all
about. I just don't quite get a grasp on it. To show God that you are a
dutiful servant, you do away with meat and perhaps something else you
enjoy? Personally, if I were God, I'd yawn a bit. People I've come across
are giving up Mt. Dew and chocolate. Boring! Whatever happened to "give
'til it hurts"? Or better yet,
"give-up-something-that-won't-in-any-way-affect-me-waitressing"? Why not
spend the energy donating blankets to the Red Cross? God would love that.
How about spending the weekend at a Soup Kitchen? God would sooooo love
that! No? Fine, by all means pass on that hamburger and JUST SAY NO to
that Almond Joy! Christ. Oh my, that was clever how I used God's son's
name like that… am I going to hell?
In a
way, a strange way (okay, far, far from the subject way) I was in hell this
past weekend. Weekends are always rough on the ol' legs and feet. My ears
sometimes even ache, after working both a Saturday and Sunday, from being in
that constant drone of background murmurings and conversations. It's like
spending 18 hours in a beehive that you have to constantly run around in
carrying crap for other people. Since Lent has started, it's become far
worse. We have added more fish to the menu to make it easier and more
appealing to the Lenten festive guests, but these tricky devotees have seen
a way to get past all that. Special menu? Bah! We can just take apart and
reconstruct a whole new menu! Muwahahahaha! Masterful indeed! And God
won't be the wiser because meat has not touched the lips!
Example: we serve a shrimp platter, a fish and chips platter and several
salmon and whitefish dishes. We even added the word "Cajun-style" so the
Holy would find us "hip". I didn't sell one of these dinners all weekend.
What I did sell was five billion of, "Yes, I'd like the steak salad with
bleu cheese crumbles… but I'd like to substitute extra tomato for the steak
since it's Lent and substitute the bleu cheese crumbles with French fries
(what??!!) because I gave up cheese 'til Easter." I have to type this order
in on a touch screen computer and manually remove and add on each thing.
So, imagine me with eight tables. Imagine these eight tables getting seated
like rapid fire. Now imagine the sweat on my upper lip, as if I'm a bomb
technician, trying to type it in right so as not to cast someone's soul into
the pits of Hades.
Cheese, indeed. Mother Theresa would be proud of such a sacrifice.
I
decided, by the end of my shift on Sunday, that I'd try my hand at this
Lenten thang. Before we can leave, we are assigned a type of sidework;
washing, sorting and rolling silverware. My "sidework" included making sure
there was fresh iced tea. I love iced tea. I drink it all the time, nearly
everyday. Sooooo, being the wise ass, yet dutiful disciple of God, I
decided to inform my manager I had given up iced tea for Lent. Surely he
couldn't make my soul dirty by forcing my hand at making iced tea?
Unfortunately, my manager isn't stupid. In fact, he's quite clever and down
right funny. So do you know what his reply was? "I gave up scanning my
manager ID card for Angela for Lent. It's always been kind of fun,
something I enjoy, so... oh well." And with a shrug that was that.
It
doesn't sound like a big deal, or funny to you, but let me give you a little
"shop talk". Almost everything I do, including being able to sign out to go
home, revolves around his manager ID card. So now, here I am, thinking
myself brilliant when, in fact, I've sworn off iced tea and have to live at
work 'til Easter.
Drats!
Foiled again!
I do
get a 50% discount on any food I order for myself before or after my shift,
so starvation won't be an issue as I bide my time 'til Easter. In fact,
that Cajun steak, medium rare, is looking mighty appetising. Mmmm, yes...
I'll have them smother it in cheese first and wash it down with a huge vat
of Mt. Dew! And nothing makes a meal finer than a giant slab of Hershey's
Chocolate Cake as dessert.
As I
near the end of this week's article, I feel I should add a little
something. Should all this Lenten hullabaloo be the way God has, in fact,
intended, umm, could someone put a good word in for me at the Pearly Gates?
And could you maybe leave out the fact that I called it "hullabaloo"? If
you do, I'll allow you one shout of "blasphemer!" and a hefty stone hurled
close to me. Not AT me, just close enough to get my attention.
Ever
Your Faithful Servant,
Angela |
