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2: The Life and Times of Ben Affleck
Born in the small town of Berkeley,
California, Benjamin Geza (pronounced "gay-za") Affleck quickly rose to fame
at the tender age of twelve when he starred in "The Voyage of the Mimi", the
story of a group of dolphin researchers who become lost at sea and forced to
survive on a stranded, Gilligan's Isle-like island. However, there was much
controversy behind the film because of an affair between the prepubescent
Affleck and one of his costars, a dolphin named Jenny.
After the affair was over and he was forcefully dropped from the public eye,
Ben was finally able to start acting in film again. As he grew in years, he
also grew in talent, taking on such famous roles as Basketball Player #10 in
"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and Man In Office in the critically acclaimed
film "Office Killer". Working with such famous stars as Cleopatra Saint John
("Office Killer") and Gordon Tootoosis ("Reindeer Games"), his image became
more family-oriented, landing him in films such as "Phantoms" and the
classic "Daddy and Them".
Much of Ben's success can be attributed to his former boyfriend,
writer/director Kevin Smith. Through working on "Chasing Amy", Smith's third
film in which he portrayed a hapless comic book artist with big hair, he met
Matt Damon, another of his former boyfriends. During their long-term and
loving relationship, Ben and Matt wrote a screenplay titled "The Adventures
of Chuckles the Altar Boy Wonder", later retitled "Good Will Hunting". The
film went on to win an Academy Award for Best Screenplay, as well as Best
Use of a Re-re Gag. But, because of their success, Ben and Matt's
relationship crumbled when they couldn't decide which bathroom mantle to
keep the Best Re-re Gag trophy on.
After over a year of being separated, Ben and Matt were reunited by Kevin
Smith himself, who hired Affleck out of pity after he saw "Armageddon".
Though their relationship had ended forever, a strong bond between them was
formed when Ben's braces got stuck to Matt's crotch during a "rehearsal
session". Through this newfound friendship, they went on to create "Project
Greenlight", a contest that pitted screenwriters in a cage match battle to
the death to get their films made by a big studio that wishes to remain
anonymous after its failed release of the "She's All That" Hollywood Flop
Edition DVD.
Currently, Geza is starring in "Gigli" and "Jersey Girl" with Latin pop
sensation J-Lo, who recently sued the Jell-O Corporation for "D-boning my
handle and bein' straight up booty haytas". Affleck has also been seen
running around the Hamptons with the young
actress/singer/dancer/entrepreneur/Saigon whore who bit my ear off. Whether
or not he realizes that she's not a man has yet to be revealed to the press.
A bed-wetting, dolphin-loving, Kevin Smith-loving, Matt Damon-loving,
Jennifer Lopez-loving child star with big hair, Ben Affleck is truly a
paragon of the American Dream.
(Aim your pieces away from your
keyboards, 'cause next week we'll be doing the biography of Jason Lee.) |
