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1: The Kevin Smith Story
Born August 2nd in the slums of Red
Bank, New Jersey, Kevin Patrick Smith was left on the doorstep of Grace and
Billy Bob Smith, two Jewish Satanists who owned and operated a local pool
hall/strip club. They took him in and raised him as their own, taking good
care to feed him plenty of horse meat and Jolt soda.
As he grew older, Kevin constantly wondered about the parents who had
abandoned him at birth. Who were they? Where did they live? Why did they
leave him on the Smiths' doorstep? And, most importantly, did they have any
food?
Eventually, the day came when Kevin graduated from Henry Hudson High
School/Rehabilitation Clinic, a small town public school that would
eventually be the inspiration for his latest film, "Death of a Fluffer".
Directly after leaving school, he embarked on a two-thousand mile road trip
to the nearest Tex Mex restaurant. Afterward, he set out to find his
biological parents.
It didn't take Kevin long to find the first clue that would lead him to the
location of his birth parents. Following a note they had pinned to his
diaper when they left him on the Smiths' doorstep, he headed straight for
Los Angeles, California - home of the stars. Once there, he read the note
repeatedly, trying to decipher the clues they had left him. (The note in
question was retrieved by an undercover investigator at The Askew Crapper.
It reads: This is your biological parents. We live at 4320 Bellevue Road,
Los Angeles, California. Come and find us, if you have the balls.)
Eventually, it led him to a cull de sac in East LA, where he came upon the
home of his birth parents.
After a personal conversation between Kevin and his parents too sentimental
and endearing for a newsletter titled "The Askew Crapper" to print, a press
announcement was made that Kevin would begin production on Jersey Girl, a
film about his childhood in New Jersey and his search for the LA snobs who
ditched him there. The film is to star pop skank J "Big Buns" Lo, Ben
"Bi-curious" Affleck, and George "If It'd Get Me a Few Hundred Miles Across
Country, I'll Take a Shot in the Mouth" Carlin.
An overweight, undersexed, foul-mouthed New Jersey native with a penchant
for dick and fart jokes, Kevin Smith is truly a paragon of the American
Dream. |
