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Attention Americans babies don't use toilet paper.
This is my third week writing for the
Crapper and I have just realized that no one has written an article about
shit for the Crapper yet. Many of our readers would probably beg to differ
finding little to no difference between one of our articles and shit. Not
that there's anything wrong with that. Up to now I haven't talked much about
the point of my column if there even is one. My first article was a long and
rather boring researched based article dealing with Hollywood ageism. My
second was an anecdotal account of old school exploitation, Lizzie Borden
and a healthy amount of Simpson's references. The Loony bin is just a
depository of things I find bizarre, strange or just generally crazy. I
figure this will gives me endless ranting material without stepping on
Raikus' toes.
Now back to the Shit. American is a
wonderful and anachronistic place. What other nation is as sex crazed as we
are but with a staunchly puritanical backbone? America is place where you
can buy porn on almost any corner yet sodomy is outlawed in something like
37 states. Sorry I couldn't help but use that number! We are a nation
obsessed with shit. From Kevin's mention of a certain star's affinity for
the brown stuff to the age-old whoopee cushion we are a nation obsessed. We
have Hanky the Christmas Poo and the Dogma shit demon and lets not even
mention Devine. When's the last time you heard the story of someone's
embarrassing rectal breach or a bad case of the green apple splatters
without laughing your ass off (no pun intended)? This is what is so weird
about my America we all do it, most of us admit to doing it, shitting is the
great equalizer. I bet not a day goes by that you take a nice hard shit,
look down to admire your work and then go on about your day. Not me however,
I'm a girl and we don't shit. Not until I find a husband at least, and then
not until our first anniversary.
So you maybe be asking yourself where
is all this shit talk going, straight down the crapper? What I find funny
about shit and our nation can be found in our local grocery stores. Why is
it that when you walk down that toilet paper aisle you are surrounded by
nothing but babies, teddy bears, clouds and fields of lilacs and tulips?
What the hell does a baby sitting on a cloud have to do with how well this
product will help me wipe my ass? Sure its baby soft and I can think of
nothing I treat better than my big fat ass, but I don't see Mr Whipple
telling me that Charmin will clean up after my turds better than the leading
brand. Just a quick aside regarding Mr Whipple, he was the father of the
girl who dated Cousin Larry on Perfect Strangers, ok so I didn't go off the
shit topic really. Anyway, advertisers sell us condoms, beer, birth control
devices, and feminine hygiene products, why can't they just admit that
people shit.
The first time I saw the animated
commercial with the bear taking toilet paper into the woods I stood up and
cheered. Finally, sweet Jesus, they subtly mentioned the idea of shitting
with the idea of buying/using toilet paper. Does a bear shit in the woods?
Brilliant!! Have you ever seen a toilet paper commercial with a grown adult,
or one discussing the relative benefits of using their brand to wipe the
shit off your ass? My point, well I don't really have one, this is just one
of those crazy things I think about when I stroll down the aisle to buy the
toilet paper that I don't use.
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