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When I sat
down to write this piece this morning it was against my better judgment. To
be even more specific, it is against my own wishes that I sit here at 3:30am
central standard time and plod on my keys for you unappreciative few who
will read this.
I would much rather be in the other
room watching my Special Edition DVD of The Green Mile than writing this
stuff, but the problem is, I did what good writers are supposed to do to
their readers. I got myself so hooked on an opening, that I couldn't get it
out of my head. I wanted to know where my opening line was going to go so
badly that, in the middle of Paul and Bruiser clearing out the restraint
room, I pushed pause and scurried into my room to work on an article that
may never be picked up…let alone read.
The irony starts about the time I
mention that I didn't even use the opening line that kept me so interested.
Like any opening line it was only meant to get me interested and had little
to do with what I would produce. That doesn't mean it won't find its way
into this mass somewhere, but it certainly won't be the hook. The danger is
in assuming that anything has hooked anyone; the trick now is to turn all
this talk of what and why I'm writing, as well as what I'm not writing
about, into something that makes any of this worth wile. That's the real
secret to all things, I guess; you can ramble on all you want but eventually
you have to say something…anything, to get people to stay interested.
I guess that fits quite well with the
line that got me here in the first place. It's been said that the best way
to fit in, in a place you don't belong, is to look like you fit in. Even if
you don't know what you're doing, do it with intensity. If you don't really
know where you're going, walk faster and with more focus on your
destination. Oh, and if you're not quite sure what writing an article about
nothing is all about, or if you can't quite figure out exactly what you're
trying to say…well, you just keep typing letter after letter until you get
another word and then word after word to get a sentence and hopefully by the
time the reader realizes you fooled them… you'll be long gone.
That isn't to say that I'm trying to
trick you at all. In fact I've yet to run out of important things to say or
interesting ideas to convey to you. I'm working my way to hundreds of them
right now and if you like the ones I feed you today I'll be sure to hand you
a few more tomorrow, or in a week. I'm a busy guy after all, so I can't
write an article all the time…that is, unless I get one stuck in my cranium
that needs to ooze its way out.
I would just bleed the ideas out. I
have millions of them. I have everything from short story ideas, to
screenplays, to comic books trapped somewhere between my brain and my
fingertips. The problem is that those ideas are as jumbled up as information
flowing along a phone line. Everything is mental baud that has to be
translated by the modem that is comprised of my unfaltering fingertips.
That may be well and good for men
like Mike Crichton or Stephen King. Those guys are working with mental
broadband. Me? I'm stuck with a
too-many-times-left-on-in-the-storm-lightning-struck-56k… and for that
matter I'm working on a Verizon connection.
If I could just bleed the ideas out
I'd be a famous writer by now, but instead I'm left with the challenge of
making all the pictures and ideas in my head show up in front of me. I can
type them, or draw them, or write them with a gel pen (orange mind you, with
no glitter…I HATE glitter, but we'll discuss hate in a future article) onto
a cheap piece of notebook paper. The only downside to that is that it takes
time and time is something that no one has enough of, at least according to
every euphemism and cliché that comes to mind at the moment. Without enough
time I have to decide which of my million ideas is most important. That's
like a father deciding which child to feed or an Eagle's fan deciding which
player to boo. It's just not a fair choice for anyone to have to make.
Unfortunately if you ignore the decision your entire family dies, and none
of the players on your team will be properly demoralized after choking on
4th and 1 with the game on the line.
With that in mind, I've decided to do
two things. First I'm going to tie in this part of the article with an
earlier segment to make it seem as if I'm thinking circularly. Then I'm
going to stop being so cautious about what I write, and instead run like
Percy Wetmore down the mile, chasing the rodent of success. How's that for a
strange metaphor? Has anyone else ever heard of the, "rodent of success?"
Nope! I didn't think so. See there? Only a few moments into my new found
arbitrary frivolity and I've already broken new ground. Yep, I'm a pioneer.
Yep.
When all is said and done though, it
won't really matter what I've done here. There is no real original thought…
just original moments for individuals as they think. Even if I came up with
Algebra in a cave with no human contact nor HBO, it wouldn't mean I created
Algebra in the greater sense of the word. It would be a moment of individual
originality, but still not original enough to make me all that special…
especially if I never made it out of that cave. No… I guess the only real
joy to be gained is not in originality, but in a very precise and calculated
distortion of what's already there. A glass of ice is better than water if
you have a warm drink, but it's just the same item in a distorted form. A
bucket of water is better than a bucket of sand if you're lost in the
desert. A naked woman is better than a clothed one for many hot blooded
adolescent males, but it is merely the same item with a mere subtraction of
clothing. If you get right down to it, sex alone proves that you don't have
to be original in the least to be entertaining. The fact that the population
keeps on growing is testament to the fact that sometimes people want the
same ole' same ole'. Actually, I guess nearly every summer blockbuster is a
pretty strong indicator of just about that very same thing.
No, I don't mind walking back into
the other room now to watch my movie. I did a few things that make me feel
better, even if I wasn't original. I was able to get that hook out of my
head first of all and having a hook in your head is never a joyous
experience. Second of all I was able to come to grips with the idea that it
doesn't have to be new to be good. The real test will be in whether I
succeeded in the most important thing of all in writing this. From start to
finish, if you're still here then it means I did the most important thing of
all…
Fooled ya… |
