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Ever
notice how, "I'm sorry," is always harder to say than anything else? Most
people will do just about anything to avoid it, and for good reason! Saying
I'm sorry is a very strong sentiment. Stronger than hate, or love or fear,
is guilt. The thing about guilt, though, is it implies that we did something
wrong. Hate is simple enough. I
hate the Detroit Redwings. As I mentioned on the View Askew web board a few
days ago, in order to hate, there has to be some sort of obsession. The Red
Wings were the thorn in the paw of my Dallas Stars team for many years. I
hate them. They are hated throughout the hearts of all Texas hockey fans.
Hate is easy… because it's not my fault I hate someone… it's those god damn
Red Wings.
Fear, that's just as simple. I'm
afraid of spiders. I also hate spiders, but that's only because they're
scary. Fear something long enough and you start to hate it. Again, it's not
your fault. Spiders have lots of legs, they have those weird eyes and crafty
ways. I mean, they know where I walk everyday. Why the hell do they always
put the fucking web in the same place? It's because they hate me. Why do
they hate me? Because, I kill them when I see them and that makes them
afraid. They would argue it's not their fault… they're just scared which
turned to hate. That's a bunch of bullshit. They started it.
Now, a bit more complicated is love,
but it's still cut and dry in reference to the day's topic. I have never
heard anyone say, "It's my fault that I'm in love." You don't really blame
someone for falling in love. It just sort of happens. Saying I love you is
hard at first, because you're afraid (see above) of rejection, but once you
feel comfortable, "I love you," comes as naturally as hating the Detroit Red
Wings.
The basic place I'm going with all
this babble and unlike last week I do have a point, is that being sorry
about something, is…well, it sucks. If you aren't sorry and you say it to
make amends for some illusory evil, then you have basically pled guilty in
order to get a reduced sentence thanks to shoddy legal representation. If
you are sorry, then you have to deal with the absolutely real guilt of the
wrong that you've committed. Sometimes you're sorry and don't say so which
makes you feel guilty. Sometimes you say so and still feel guilty. Sometimes
you don't say so and don't feel guilty, but that pretty much ruins the
direction I'm going here, so fuck that one.
The tricky part is when you have
wronged a loved one. Now you have the overpowering force of the love you
couldn't control, then you top that off with the hate to say you're sorry
thanks to the guilt that you feel and the fear that you'll hurt your loved
one. Now, I would rather watch a bunch of spiders win the cup for the Red
Wings, than go through the guilt of hurting a loved one. I hate being wrong
all together, because it usually means I just didn't think things through.
Maybe I said something bad about my girlfriend's mother or cheated on her
with an attractive friend of mine (heh heh, not really honey… bah, she
doesn't read this…). I don't want to tell her that. Not only will it hurt
her, but her father would probably hurt me. So, if I don't tell her, I'm
left with the guilt of what I've done. But wait! There's more!! I also get
to add to it the ongoing lie that I'm living by not telling her. If I act
now, life will include the very real fear that the friend I messed around
with will rat me out because she…or he… feels guilty.
Friends, thankfully, are totally
different. You can offend your friend about something, and never say that
you're sorry. In fact, most times you can say, "Fuck you man, stop being
such a whining pussy," and your friends are over it. There's that macho
thing that allows friends to say, "Well he doesn't seem upset, so he must
not have meant anything by it." With friends, intent to ill is often much
worse than actually fucking a buddy over. You get drunk and sleep with a
girl he likes and act upset about it, or act like you don't remember it and
it often blows over… but if he thinks you went after her on purpose despite
his interest… man… you'll be saying sorry while you spit out your teeth.
Keep in mind that the above only
applies to guys. Women are much more…well… they whine a lot and they're far
too oversensitive. They are also really fucking melodramatic. If you eat
their favorite yogurt on accident you get a 20 minute lecture on learning to
respect their desires and their space. You get railed on about not caring
about anyone other than yourself. LOOK BITCH, I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOGURT, BUT
I'M GETTING HIGH CHOLESTEROL SO BACK UP OFFS ME! Ahem… sorry bout that.
Anyway, if anyone paid attention to a recent tirade on the VA boards, by one
of our newest unworthy millionaires, then you'll know what I'm talking
about. I mentioned how annoying I thought this person was and they compared
me to Satan. I won't call it a classic female tactic, because I don't like
to generalize, but it certainly isn't how guys deal with betrayal. We
usually just invoke the old, "rubber/glue," clause and move on.
Now, back to the point I originally
started with. When you're dealing with something as dangerous as guilt,
you're already in trouble, but add that to love and you're in a tight spot.
I know that more than once I've said, "I love you so much," when I really
meant, "I'm so fucking sorry that it hurts." It's just so hard to tell
someone you love that you're sorry, because it almost seems like the sheer
admission of guilt will make them hurt more. If you know you've done
something wrong, then they will probably get more emotional because you've
poured out your heart and said you're sorry. If you never admit it they can
be pissed off at how clueless you are instead of how inconsiderate you are.
Sometimes it's a decent trade. Forget a birthday or anniversary… clueless…
get caught in a 3 way with two of her friends… well, you may have to say
you're sorry with your jaw wired shut, but you had better fucking learn to
say it.
The last thing to really think about
is the opposite side of the coin. When people get hurt, instead of saying,
"that really hurt me, please tell me why you hurt me," we tend to do exactly
what I mentioned above. We retaliate. Hurt back, ask questions later. Be mad
until told you're sorry and then be pitiful. It's all a vicious cycle and
recently I got to be on all ends of it.
A good friend of mine doesn't talk to
me anymore, so instead of telling this person how much it hurts me, I wrote
a nasty email attacking everyone she knows but her dogs (I couldn't remember
their names). Needless to say, she's pissed at me. I'm also pissed at me,
but saying I'm sorry has proven tougher than I thought. First I had to
decide that I was, in fact, very, very, very sorry. Now the trick is getting
her to answer the phone. I curse the day that caller ID was evolved!
Enter exhibit B. Love Lee from the
message board is an idiot. She's now an idiot with money and she's harmless
and generally not a mean person, but she is an idiot. An idiot with a
Masters in Genetic science sure, but common sense is lacking. Well, she
berated some guy for no reason and we had a few conversations that really
grated on my nerves. When I stopped talking to her for a while, instead of
emailing me something like, "It hurts that you aren't talking to me," she
called me Satan on the boards and compared me to Judas and any other
negative biblical figure. She also insinuated that I play with fecal matter.
Now, sure that was dumb of her to
rail on the boards like an idiot, but to be perfectly fair, she annoyed me
and hurt my feelings by generalizing who I am and inferring my beliefs based
on a few short conversations. Instead of explaining this I began to take
jabs at her on the board. I was also an idiot, but never so strongly as her…
and I'll stand by that statement. I figure I'm laying shit out on the table,
so the least you can do is take my word for it in this case.
Finally, I just came clean with my
girlfriend about all the stuff I did leading up to and including the spring
semester of 2001. Amazingly, she loves me and I love her and it was the
easiest one… probably ruining my entire theory. She wasn't mad or sad, and I
felt a million times better after I told her everything. The guilt I had
carried up until then though… that was pretty unbearable.
So, I guess really you should ignore
most of the stuff I said. It's obvious that if I really knew all that much
about this stuff I would make better choices when I have to deal with these
situations. Then again, that's only if we humans were rational. I mean, if I
were rational, I would realize that the Red Wings have had different players
in the last 10 years and have switched divisions and aren't really rivals
anymore. Sadly humans aren't rational… you know what? Fuck that! I'm glad we
aren't rational. I'm glad that we're unpredictable. You know what they say;
sometimes it's almost worth fighting, if you get to make up afterwards. I
guess the one thing that makes us human is that even if we have a Masters in
Genetic Engineering we can still be stupid sometimes… and no matter what you
say, I'm not going to apologize for that… |
