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Ranting
with Raikus: The Exploration of a Living, Lengthy Legend
My name may be on the column, but I'm
about to give you the interworkings on how my rant comes to your monitor. It
first starts with my idea for that week's column. Then I outline the basic
premise of it (usually around 10-15 words) before handing it off to my body
copy filler, Mark.
Mark is pretty good at what he does.
He creates faux life situation for my person in order to get from one
stretching point to another. For instance, the fiancée from last week's
column--completely his idea. I'm more partial to llama's myself, but he said
that just wouldn't work as well.
After he finishes fleshing out the
length, it is given to Amanda, my comically inclined, extroverted friend. It
is here where these catchy analogies and witticisms are placed in the
column's copy (the "funny" as she deems it). The column is then recirculated
to me and I check it's validity and edit it. It's a good thing that I do
this, because in my first column, Amanda originally put in the phrase
"jerked around more than Ron Jeremy on a 70's era orgy." Well this prompted
me to research Mr. Jeremy's extensive film career and boy the things that I
found out.
For instance, did you know that
IMDB.com covers not only cinematic film actors/actresses, but adult film
actors/actresses as well? This was a whole new world to me. As I scrolled
down Ron Jeremy's filmography, I began reading some of the wonderful titles
that this man has acted in.
Pop quiz hotshot: What was Ron
Jeremy's first acting role? Hmmm? Give up? Well the answer is... Jesus
Christ Superstar. Do you see what musicals based on religion do to a person
(and for you guys, Joseph & His Amazing Technicolour Dream Coat is making
the nation circuit--get your tickets now)?
Did you know that he's acted in 93
movies? Movies with the titles of "Lesbian Ho'Down at the Bunnyranch" (he
was Butch woman #26), "I Found My Thrill on Cherry Hill," and "Frankenpenis"
(co-starring with John Wayne Bobbit). This man is so amazing that time has
no meaning for him. He was able to release "Hawaii Vice 8" before "Hawaii
Vice" 7, 3, and 2! Is his penis so powerful that it can influence
chronologies? It appears so.
I then realize that I had made a
mistake. Due to my computer not being able to seamlessly handle the length
and girth of Ron's filmography, it randomly spazzed me to the near bottom of
the page. These 93 movies aren't movies that Ron's acted in--they're movies
that he's directed! Directed--93 of them! I apprehensively scrolled up
screen for fear of the number of movies he's acted in being such a cosmic
number that it might unravel all of reality. I was right…
When I roused from my faint, there
was a number on my monitor to greet me. 713. I rubbed my eyes and looked
again. The number didn't budge. 713. That means, at a bare minimum, that Ron
Jeremy has stuck his dick in at least 713 women since 1979. And that's
low-balling the figure. Each of these movies probably had him in multiple
sex scenes, receiving and giving on camera action to the aristocracy of
porn's actresses for over twenty years. So let's just say that he bedded an
average of 3 adult goddesses per movie. That's brings his on-the-clock
sexual total to (fishes out calculator) 2,139. At this point, I am
speechless. Then the questions begin flooding in: Is that physically
possible? Wouldn't it be chaffed beyond recognition? Can I have a copy of
his resume?
But looking over his filmography, I
see he was always a bit behind the ball on some of the adult entertainment
classics. He was in "Debbie Does Dallas 2," "The Devil in Miss Jones Part
II" (he's credited as--I kid you not--'Iago, the Dickhead guard caught with
the Laughing Lady'), "Deep Throat II," and "Taboo II" (although, arguably,
one of the best adult films ever). He's been cast in such TV show cum porn
remakes as "21 Hump Street," "Hawaii Vice," "Ally McFeal," and even movie
remakes such as "The Good, the Bad, and the D-Cups," "The Flintbones," and
"The Maddams Family." He has also bedded some of the biggest bettys in
porndom: Seka, Amber Smith, Traci Lords, and Teri Weigel.
'But what does this really mean?' you
ask. 'Why should I be interested in this guy?'
Have you seen him? I mean really
looked at him. He is in the bottom 20% of attractive men. He's a hedgehog; a
living, breathing Chia Pet of hair that has more notches in his bedpost than
priests have altar boys to molest.
He should be billed as an inspiration
to all men out there--a venerable example of how money and a large cock can
overcome attractiveness.
What? You don't have money. Oh. And
it's how small…
Well, not every column I write is
going to find a large audience. I'll make up for it though.
Tune in next week for the tribal
history of the Pequods. Proof that you don't need large genetalia to get
slaughtered by the British. |
