This Week:
the Gay Baden Powell (Rhys)
Topic: Notes from a Large OceanNotes from a Large Ocean
Prologuization:
The author of this work would like to apologize to any insults
to Canada that may follow in this article. Canada, as a country, is just as
wonderful as it is beautiful - and dispite its obscure bacon and peculiar
way of pronouncing "about" the author would like to remind readers that all
digs are aimed at the brilliantly useless, yet suprisingly comfy, Canada
Air. Canada Air seemed to want to go to any length it could at preventing me
getting to my destination and the following article proves that. Also - to
those who are about to stand up and send me a barrage of complaints
defending Canada Air, I would like to remind you that everything written
here is true. Which is probably why it isn’t as exciting as it would have
been if I had kept the Space Monkeys and Saudi Arabia winning the World Cup.
So - here I will tell the story of my trip to NJ - about how without a map,
and just a fat, elderly father for company, I
managed to reach my destination (dispite the efforts of Canada Air).
The date was early last year, viewaskew.com had just announced that
Jay and Silent Bob strike back was to be released on the tenth of August. I
in turn announced this to my overweight father and suggested that we booked
out holiday to coincide with this date.
I was 16 at the
time and my dad had introduced me to Jay and Silent Bob believing that it
was the simplest way to teach a 16 year old what he already knew about sex,
without having to have any awkward conversations himself.
It worked. But I
was hooked. My dad agreed to go on this date and decided to book the flights
over the Internet. A mistake. I didn’t know at the time but the flights were
booked with Canada Air. I didn’t know at the time but the flight was going
to be hell. I also didn’t know at the time that the release date would be
pushed back just to piss me off - but overall this wasn’t the worst part of
the trip.
We arrived at
Manchester airport, and even though we only lived 5 minutes away, we decided
to drive there to get into the mood of our friends across the Atlantic.
Another mistake, as my father discovered then he was billed £150 for long
stay parking.
After we boarded the plane I had a good look around at my
company for this flight. As it was last year this is all from memory, but I
can recall we were at the furthest seats back as you could get - thus having
a rather bad view of the screen on-which the inflight films would later be
displayed. I felt at the time that even the plane was trying to get me in a
View Askew mood as the first movie on was Heartbreakers starring our very
own Scientologist himself, Jason Lee. It was an entertaining little trip
from the large cylindrical reality I was now trapped inside, for better or
worse, and is one of my favourite Lee movies that wasn't directed by the Man
himself.
All was going well, my dad was chatting up some female
teacher in the seat opposite and I was disobeying the pilots advice of not
using electrical equipment during the flight, when suddenly, out of nowhere,
it was announced that there was a storm over New York
(Oh goody)
and we were going to have to land in Toronto to wait for it to clear.
(Why? Why Lord
Why?)
Now - without sounding anti-Canadian (even though this remark is really
going to sound anti-Canadian) but I'd rather take my chances in the storm
than land and wait in Toronto airport. Not that I had any choice in the
matter - but looking at the faces of my fellow travelers I was sure that
rebellion and hi-jacking was on the horizon.
Sadly not. We landed in
Canada. The expectation of only being there about an hour was destroyed by
the word "canceled" next to every flight on the board that was due
to fly to NY that day. We were told we would have to spend the night in
Canada, and luckily the policy of Canada Air (God bless them) to pay for
people stuck in their airport due to cancellations to have a hotel ran out
the next day. We were just in time.
Or were we?
For this I take you back
a few months when my dad was booking accommodation......
Conversation took
place early 2001:
Dad - Hi, is that
Denise, Its Miles here
Denise - Hi Miles,
what do you want?
Dad - I was
wondering if we could stay with you while we were in New York
Denise - Sure! What
day do you arrive?
Dad - The tenth of
August
Denise - wow, lucky.
I fly to Cape Cod on the eleventh
Dad - Just in time
then
Denise - yeah - meet
me on the day you fly in and I'll give you the key. Better hope your flight
isn’t late or you will have nowhere to stay!
Dad - yeah!
End Conversation. No
back up plan was arranged.
Cosmic: Cos-fucking-mic!
Still - at least I got a nice new stamp in my passport..................
What will happen to out
determined duo? Part 2 coming soon, and possibly containing Hired Cars, Lies
from the Canadian Information desk, Big nosed Australians and Anna
Kornakova....... |
