Right now,
I am the closest to happiness that I have been in a long, long time. Anyone
who knows me personally probably knows that I am a somewhat pessimistic and
dark person, so it is extremely hard for me to be totally happy. I'm not
sure how I got this way, though I'd be willing to bet that going to a
private school where the majority of the people there, students and
teachers, acted like they were better than me because their shirts said
Tommy Hilfiger and mine didn't. The rest of the student body was more or
less the stereotypical definition of rednecks. They prided themselves on
being as purposefully stupid and retarded as possible, and could not do
anything without getting drunk first. I obviously did not fit into either
one of these cliques, and as a result, the majority of my middle and high
school years were miserable and it wasn't until the summer before my senior
year that things finally began to look up. That's because that summer, I had
a moment.
I don't know how else to describe these instances. 'Epiphany' sounds a
little too literary, 'revelation' sounds a little too Biblical. These words
make these moments seem instantly life changing, and ultimately, they
aren't. They do change me, but as with any major task, the change takes
time. So, I use the word 'moment' because that's what it truly is, a
memorable moment in my life. I'm able to see the world and myself from a
non-objective point of view, and learn something about it. It's probably the
closest thing I'll ever come to having an out-of-body experience.
My first year of college was a disappointment. I found the majority of the
people I met were more or less the same types of people I knew in high
school, the preps and the dumbasses, only with a few jocks thrown into the
mix, which were basically dumbasses who I couldn't make fun of because they
could beat me up. I did, however, make a few friends who didn't fit into
these molds, and I visited one yesterday.
The past summer has been completely uneventful, sparked by occasional
moments of misery, and, very rarely, slight happiness. Over the past week,
I've been trying to find an apartment to live at next year, which is a lot
harder than I thought it would be. It seems like nobody in my college town
is looking for a roommate, and the only ones that are don't suit my parents.
So, between my anger at myself, my parents' anger with me, and the overall
stress of the situation, I was completely ready to drop out. It was a
welcome break to be able to get away from it all and just hang out for a
while.
My friend and I hung out, ate lunch, played guitar, nothing exciting. Then I
drove him to go pick up his car. On the way, we had a conversation that
started out average, but ended up becoming something much more. I won't bore
you with the specifics of the conversation, but I will say that we learned a
little bit about each other and ourselves. It was a moment. And, like many
moments before, it change me a little.
This is why the movies and life are so different, among other things. In the
movies, people only learn something about themselves after a major ordeal,
usually involving death or the threat of it. However, in life, we don't have
great realizations like this. They occur in smaller doses. Someone sends you
an e-mail saying they think your writing is good, and you wonder if you can
possibly do it as a career. Your brother's wife tells you things at school
will work out, and because nobody's ever told you that before, you take it
to heart, and make it happen. This is the secret to true happiness, folks,
not having a great career, not being a vegetarian, or a health nut, or
picking the right religion. What we never realize is that happiness is that
smile you got from the girl at the coffee shop, or seeing a rainbow and
remembering the world is still beautiful, or even having a good, honest
conversation. These are the greatest moments of the movies that are our
lives.
And, this is where I'm at now. I had a moment of enlightenment, and I'm
trying to hold on to it for as long as possible. It will go away, I'm sure,
and I'll be right back where I was, hopefully having learned a little bit
about myself or others. But, for now, I can honestly say, that I am happy.
And, as a rare smile of serenity and
contentment slides across DAN'S face, we pull out of the close-up. Craig
Armstrong's "Let's Go Out Tonight" fades in on the soundtrack as DAN'S car
pulls away and disappears into the evening traffic.
Fade to black. |
