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Well,
other than my half drunk to three quarters drunk monkey rant last edition of
A Critical Look (by Steve Kilpatrick) I’ve made this column a bit of a
mixture of two things: A short update about what the hell I’ve been up to
and then an essay that I wrote about a literary work or political idea.
This
week… or month as it sometimes goes, is going to be a bit different because
I’m going to sort of shift the theme toward a critical look at my own life
in a much more thorough manner.
You
see, recently I have gone through several major changes in my life and they
have left me drained, confused, happy, depressed, motivated and lethargic
all in manic swoops that are hard to adjust to or explain. Thankfully I
seem to have settled into a lull of normalcy long enough to type a little
something for you folks out there, so I figure I can go ahead and try to
examine a few of these things while I still have that “Flowers for Algernon”
clarity thing. I’m sure that in a week I’ll feel really bad about laughing
at some retarded café worker just before I slip back into the morass of
idiocy and emotional turmoil, but for now I’ll do my best to heap on the
drama for those of you who read.
The
trouble is where to start.
Ok,
let me start with a poem by John Clare
Song [Secret Love]
I hid my love when young while I
Couldn't bear the buzzing of a fly
I hid my love to my despite
Till I could not bear to look at light
I dare not gaze upon her face
But left her memory in each place
Where ere I saw a wild flower lie
I kissed and bade my love goodbye
I met her in the greenest dells
Where dew drops pearl the wood bluebells
The lost breeze kissed her bright blue eye
The bee kissed and went singing by
A sunbeam found a passage there
A gold chain round her neck so fair
As secret as the wild bee's song
She lay there all the summer long
I hid my love in field and town
Till e'en the breeze would knock me down
The bees seemed singing ballads l'er
The fly's buss turned a Lion's roar
And even silence found a tongue
To haunt me all the summer long
The riddle nature could not prove
Was nothing else but secret love
So
now that you’ve been subjected to that, let me say that I’ve sort of been in
love with two women for many years. One of them my best friend and the
other… well pretty close to the same. The problem is that relationships are
sort of like smoking, or drinking or any other vice. They feel just good
enough to make you forget how bad they often can be. They become habits,
inescapable, with no patch or Betty Ford Clinic to help you learn how to
move on. Some people hit the bottle, or turn to drugs; I just went back to
my dead end relationship. Comfort food as it were.
Heidi, my girlfriend for an off-and-on-again five years, was in a similar
place. She’s always wanted to date other people, but it just never was safe
enough. What if I found someone else while she was dating and then she
decided she only wanted me? What if she found someone else and it ruined my
life or our friendship? It was just too hard to face the downsides for her
and too hard for me to face the world without her. We rode along the stream
of time, which maintains all momentum despite all attempts to reign it in,
and before we had time to catch up with ourselves, she was graduated and we
were still plodding along—more or less.
We
had entered into an open relationship about a year ago and that wasn’t
really such a great idea in retrospect, but at the time it was the one glue
holding the romantic part of our relationship together. We turned into a
couple of best friends by day and people who have sex—well, also by day
sometimes, but it was totally detached from the other part of our
relationship. I’d like to think that they were both good parts, but we’ll
get back to that later.
The
point is, recently Heidi has been more and more interested in dating other
people under the safe umbrella of our open relationship. She is the only
one of us who had taken advantage of the open policy and she was ready to go
even further than she had. It didn’t bother me, but I got a feeling that it
should have. On the other hand, that secret love I’d been harboring for my
close friend Elisabeth for so long was suddenly coming to the surface. She
had broken up with her boyfriend and the poor relationship that I was in
sort of had me jaded. I told her how I felt in a 4,000 word letter (you
people know that I can sort of get going and not stop). She sort of freaked
out—but then she sort of told me she felt the same way. Ironically Heidi
had recently expressed her desire to date other people more seriously and
knew how I felt about Elisabeth, so we finally made the hard choice to call
it quits.
I
feel really bad, because the parts of this that make it so tumultuous
emotionally are the sorts of things that I can’t share with you readers at
the moment. Still, the long story short is that Heidi and I are still great
friends and Elisabeth and I have our first official date on Friday.
One
great thing about it is that Heidi and I sort of discovered that we get
along much better when you remove the sexual/relationship side of our
relationship. Sure, there was some breakup sex, but that was a moment of
weakness and lust on our parts (several moments throughout the day actually,
but let’s not get too graphic).
I
never realized how much I missed talking to Heidi in normal adult voices
rather than cute relationship voices. Not having one of us whine about
something when we don’t get our way is also a plus. It’s much more equal
and adult now and that’s been a great realization. We really are best
friends, even without sex to hold us together. We have more real
conversations now that we can’t resort to cuddling and watching TV like a
couple of fifty year olds on a weekend.
Anyway, I plan on writing a novel someday called The Crush Confession Rule
(one of the many gems that came from that 4,000 word letter) and you can
read the deeply emotional and sordid details then. Until then trust me that
this is the prologue to the top later of the whole mess. Never mind my
confusion, vomiting, crying, worrying, yelling and so on.
Now
for another poem to kick off the next part of this mess:
Early
in the mornin’
Master got me workin’
Come on master set me free! – Eric Cartman
I’ve
been working at my current job for about 124 days now. I’ve deserved a
raise for about fifty of them and a promotion just as long. It’s been a
slave job so far since I was making the worst hourly wage I’ve made since I
was in high school and on top of that we went through two third keys in that
time who made much more than I was making and were totally incompetent. I
finally got fed up, so I wrote them the following letter:
Tuesday
Morning Senior Associate,
I have
been with Tuesday Morning for 114 days. Though not required by law, it is
generally accepted that after 90 days there will be an employee evaluation
that will help to determine the equitable worth of the employee for the
purpose of promotion or pay raise.
Generally I suspect employers find out that they’ve paid for what they get.
If you hire many young adults or high school students and pay them over
minimum wage they are generally not only happy with it, but far too lazy to
complain about it or work their way out of that station.
When I
began working for Tuesday Morning on April 26th I not only
submitted my application, but a résumé showing not only years of retail
experience, but a vast many other experiences to draw from. On top of that
I had a high school diploma and twenty one credit hours of college
education.
However, when I began I was making the same hourly wage as the fifteen year
old boy who was hired at the same time. I find it hard to believe that
there is any valid reasoning for this given that I had not only more years
of work experience, but seven more years of life experience.
Apparently though, people do care about résumés and age, because later
another associate was hired and given much more per hour based on that
documentation of experience and show of years.
Of
these employees, both the one making equal to, and the one making more than
I was, proved to be far inferior employees than myself in both mind and
body.
Add to
that a senior associate, who is also known for no call/no shows, being late,
doing very little work, and who has far less retail experience than me and
you have a very frustrated employee in my shoes.
I am
constantly asked to assume more responsibility and voice fewer complaints
about those around me who do not have the same work ethic. I am told that I
have to “suck it up” if I wish to have any sort of responsibility handed to
me. The problem is that I am already saddled with more responsibility than
those around me, including those who outrank me, but am given little respect
or reward for that responsibility. I am also constantly held to a higher
standard which I maintain despite these slights.
I am
the hardest worker at the store, in fact you could probably poll everyone at
the store and most would agree with that statement. Many of my fellow
employees have repeatedly asked me why I work so hard for a place that
doesn’t reward their employees. I’ve shrugged it off for the most part, but
I’m beginning to wonder myself. If this is how they treat their best
worker, then why would I want to continue working there?
The
answer of course, is simple. I would not wish to continue working there.
I’ve
been very patient. I was being told that I would be promoted since before
my ninety day evaluation was due to happen. I am now of course twenty four
days past it (as of this writing). That means that I have already waited at
least 27% longer than I should have for a raise (and that’s if you assume
that it wasn’t obvious before then that I deserved a raise).
I
already know how to open and close the store, I already know how to handle
the money, the registers, the paperwork and I can generally tell you most
things that need to be done on any given day. Still, I am making less with
all of those plusses than I could if I went to work at nights for Wal-Mart
as a night stocker (9.50 an hour).
Still,
I’d be more than willing to make less than they are paying for an
opportunity to gain a bit of responsibility and some leadership training to
add to my list of qualifications.
However, I am not willing to be patient any longer. I will no longer sit by
while those who are less competent and dedicated than I am get to disrespect
their jobs or plain botch them and make more money with less effort.
Not
only have I not been given a raise yet, which is very crippling to my
ability to provide and move forward financially, but I have lost nearly a
month’s worth of extra wages that I deserved. If another associate that was
less qualified was making nine dollars an hour and I was making seven then
you might assume that I was actually worth more than nine dollars an hour
given the evidence. If you instead assume that I was the person worth nine
and that she was the one worth seven then you still leave me with nearly
$250 less by the end of this month than I should be making (at 30 hours a
week which I average). After a year of that we’re looking at nearly three
thousand dollars lost simply because I wasn’t given what I am worth (based
on comparable evidence).
Not
only that, but I’m not some 15 year old kid, or 18 year old recent
graduate. I’m twenty-two years old; I have fiancé, ambitions to return to
college, I also still have to find money for a car and insurance.
Essentially I can no longer afford to screw around when I’m trying to make a
life for myself. That $3000 I mentioned could cover my half of the rent for
a year. It could easily get me a reliable car with some insurance coverage
and it could pay for at least a semester of college including books. That’s
a big deal.
I think
I show my desire to evolve and grow in my work. I think that the fact that
I’ve waited nearly a month to voice a formal complaint shows just how much I
was willing to give this company the benefit of the doubt. I’ve not only
accepted the extra responsibility (without proper compensation) but I have
embraced it.
I hate
ultimatums, but if I have not been given my employee evaluation (which
should lead to the easy conclusion that I am worthy of a pay raise) within
two weeks then my notice will be effective as of today (August 18, 2003) and
lead to my exit in good faith and standing as of September 1st,
2003.
However, I sincerely hope that we can come to some sort of arrangement to
allow me to stay on board with Tuesday Morning. I just no longer enjoy
going to work every day because I’ve become so disenchanted by the daily
malaise and disrespect that is shown. This is quite a turnaround from a
month ago when the promises of advancement and opportunity had me excited to
show up every day.
It is
only because of a profound respect for George Fairbanks that I haven’t
jumped this ship long before. I desire to see him do well and I hope I can
be a part of it for a while to come, but like it or not, you don’t get
someone as hard working and dedicated as myself for seven dollars an hour,
and if you think that you do, then it’s no wonder that this location has
been in such disreputable standing for so very long.
I would
like to think that I’ve been a big part of bringing people back to the store
with George’s leadership. Of course if you don’t feel that this is so, then
you won’t make any effort to retain me and I’ll go find a job with far less
pressure and far more equity at the end of the month.
Thank
you for your time.
Steven Kilpatrick
As
you can see, things changed quickly for me. In the short time since I wrote
that letter my life has changed dramatically. Many of the needs are still
there, yet completely transformed into same-shot-different-angle sort of
things. At any rate, it seems to have worked. I got the combination to the
safe yesterday; I get my keys to the store tomorrow and a raise sometime in
the next week. I still won’t be making what I’m worth, but I will get very
valuable management experience to put on my résumé.
Finally, I’ve been doing lots of work promoting and working on the other
site I work for www.thejadedgamer.net.
For
those of you who don’t know, I’ve known a guy named Joey Connelly since late
1999 when we started working on a site called NESfan.com (don’t bother
visiting, it no longer exists). We got pretty burned out thanks to constant
flames and hack attempts (all failed due to idiocy of those who tried), so
we shut down in April of 2001. In October of 2001 Joey started the aptly
named Jaded Gamer site. Recently he accepted a staff again and I naturally
jumped right on board with it. We then got ourselves ranked on
www.alexa.com and in only three short
months have moved up from non-existence to the top 100,000 sites on the net.
Anyone who knows anything about Alexa knows that’s a pretty big deal. Not
big enough, mind you, but big just the same. This site you’re reading right
now at www.theaskewcrapper.com
is ranked 418,430 on the net (helped much by that early reign of success we
had) in case you were wondering and we’ve never been in the top 100,000 on
any given day.
The
Jaded Gamer has been in the top 50,000 for the last month or so, but that
hasn’t rolled over enough yet to move us any higher than the 94,619. Still,
we’ve already been put on the press lists of Sega, Namco and Capcom and that
was when we were still languishing in the 160,000 to 300,000 range.
Needless to say, I’ve been very focused on that site because it is the one
that focuses on something that I would want to write about all the time.
You all know I love Sports and Comics, but I usually pick up my comics two
weeks after they’ve been released so I never give up to date reviews even
when I try and as far as sports goes, I’m really just a local guy. I know a
lot about sports, but I prefer to cover my teams.
Games though are much easier, because I have a Blockbuster Game Freedom
Pass.
I
also recently made a trip to Quakecon to cover it for the site (www.quakecon.org) and hope to make a
similar trip to E3 this year.
Let’s recap:
Ex-Girlfriend, dating for the first time in five years, busy writing for a
top 100,000 website that continues to improve and grow, working full time at
a job where I am actually sort of important—oh and I forgot about the fact
that my band still does a few things here and there. I also forgot that a
friend of mine nearly died last month from some ameba that he picked up in
the
Philippines, but he’s
fine now and 20lbs lighter to boot.
None
of this stuff means that I’m abandoning TAC. It just means that I’m pretty
divided right now. Obviously I just gave you some of my time (you can
probably also expect some sports and comic stuff soon as well).
It wasn’t
much of a critical look, but it was a look at my life as of lately. I even
managed to stick in a previous piece of writing in order to keep this thing
formulaic. How about that? |
