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Oh shit!
Look who’s back from the vacation that
he took in response to Darkfather’s vacation!
That’s right, it’s Steve “whatever
happened to writing a shit load of articles each week” Kilpatrick.
Look mother fuckers, you got to give
that shit time, aight?
Here’s something you probably never
thought you’d see again, it’s a plain old fucking wild ass column brought to
you by me, the sultan of “what?”
Recently I made a huge mistake.
What’s that? Me make a mistake? Yeah, I know, but please pretend that this
isn’t a bunch of hard to believe CGI and camera work and just assume that
it’s possible.
I went off the wagon.
That’s right folks, I hadn’t had a
caffeinated beverage for over six months and then I just started hitting the
Dr. Pepper like a crack addict who won the lottery and then replaced all of
his or her crack with Dr. Pepper.
I can’t say that it’s really having
any effect on me one way or the other except I’VE LOST MY GOD DAMN MIND!
The caffeinated goodness mixed with
sugary make-me-fat-and-unattractive-before-I’m-in-my-thirties-ness is just
going down like water on a thing slanted and vastly affected by gravity and
also in a rain forest. Or maybe just rain… since that takes less time to
type if you wish to relay my simile with any of your friends via the Yahoo,
or AOL instant message system (not that I wish to alienate the MSN audience,
in fact some of my best friends are MSN instant messenger programs).
As for writing tons of articles and
making you read them at gunpoint… I’m not going to do that because unlike
most Texans, I haven’t got a gun. It seems like a good idea though, so I’ll
put that on my list.
Does anyone else have a list?
To be fair getting in shape has been
on my list for a long time and that hasn’t happened yet, so good fucking
luck seeing me at your house with a handgun or hunting rifle. Even better
luck if I happen to make it a new year’s resolution.
Damn those things are hit and miss
aren’t they?
The last time I actually kept a
resolution was when I resolved not to make any resolutions in 2002 back in
2001. How’s that for the glass is half full… or is it half empty?
I guess it depends on whether or not
the glass is ALSO in the rain forest. Then it might be totally full, or
maybe a monkey swung down from a tree and drank it (the rain, not the glass…
try to keep up), or splashed it playfully on another monkey.
Actually, I bet the monkey would be
pretty shocked to see a glass and would probably worship it, then he would
drop it while swinging on the vines and it would shatter all over the ground
and there would be no one to sweep it up because there are no brooms.
Last I checked monkeys have no shoes
so someone is bound to get pissed off about that one. Monkeys also don’t
have tweezers.
I’ve decided that if reincarnated I
would not like to be a monkey, nor would I want to be a glass in the
rainforest because some stupid ass monkey would just come along and break me
and then I would be neither half full or half empty.
The absence of optimism or pessimism
is indifference and that’s probably a pretty big moral crime against
humanity.
Then again I’d be a glass, a broken
glass… a broken glass worshiped and stepped on by monkeys… so fuck you guys. |
