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Freestylin’
Yo nigga whuh, say
whuh, nigga whuh?
My name is POJK, the all-time great, I bust the most rhymes in the 51st
state
I ain’t speakin’ ‘bout the film with my brutha Samuel L
Robert Carlyle too, he’s gruff but means well
What I’m tryin’ to say is that I’m from the UK
Now let’s get down to biz-ness, whaddya say?
This is my column, The Colour Of Morale
I’m one fly mutha-fucka, and mah homies ask me how
I tell mah niggaz ‘bee-yatch, what ‘chu be sayin’?’
And then they back away and tell me ‘G, we just playin’
‘We don’t want you to reveal the secrets of yo’ success’
‘All we meant was fo’ you to tell us what’s next’
Well these playaz who fuck wid’ me, they don’t show no respec’
So that’s why I had to bust a mutha-humpin’ cap in their neck
The gimmick of this section was to have me rappin’ like a fool
All to get my ass ‘nuff dough for a kidney shaped pool
That would’ve made sense if I was gettin’ paid for mah rhymes
But SHAFTR ain’t givin’ me nothin’, and sucka, that’s a crime
So now you know what’s the deal, brutha, fo’ sho’ I ain’t messin’
I just ain’t eatin’ no Cesar’s Salad with-out that tasty dressin’
Awwwww yeah – it’s all about the dressin’
Poking Fun At
Internet Geek-A-Nerds – Volume 1
So, anyone play
games online? What’s that? You don’t, and think that anyone who
does should be shunned by society and ridiculed repeatedly? Yeah,
that’s an understandable view, but seriously – for the common jerk like
myself, there’s no better or easier way to annoy people.
The game in
question is ‘Counter-Strike’, which, if you don’t know is all about
terrorists and counter-terrorists and the fun they can have shooting the
heck out of each other. Now, if you’re not a socially inept male, you
probably won’t have any idea what I’m talking about for the next few
paragraphs, so why not skip to the end, or even better, check out Steven
Kilpatrick’s column instead? Sure, he doesn’t have any bad-ass rapping
or haikus, but don’t let that put you off.
Anyway, back to
the geeky online shooting game. I suck at it. Yes, huge surprise
there, as regular readers will know that my columns have a tendency to
revolve around just how much of a moron I am. My only excuse is that…
oh, fuck it, I don’t need an excuse. You’ll be glad to know that
suckiness isn’t genetic, as my brother plays it as well, and he’s pretty
decent. Mind you, there’s still a pretty huge divide between the
casual, decent players and the sad bastards who seem to do nothing but play
the game. Maybe I’m being too hard on them, but play this game for 5
minutes and you’ll really start to despise all the characters who take such
delight in shooting you in the head repeatedly. One feature of the
game is that you can chat to the other players, which include such witty
banter as ‘u r all gay’, ‘fukk ov newbie’ and the old favourite, ‘fukk ov
all u gay noobies’. So yeah, when I play this game, I get to
experience how it is to be a newbie again – surrounded by these grizzled
regulars who take such great delight in humiliating you puts you at a
cross-roads – either stay, take the abuse, and slowly get better (the
honourable way); leave, never to return, mumbling about how stupid and gay
everyone is (the coward’s way); or stay, and do your best to make sure that
if you can’t do well, that no-one else can do well either (the Tom way).
I think it’s fairly obvious which direction I went in. No, I’m not
proud of what I did, and I now realise that it was a completely immature
waste of time for myself and everyone else, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t
fun at the time.
Step 1:
The Filthy Traitor
This is a fun one.
See, the delightful thing about this game is you’re put into two teams, and
even though you’re not supposed to, you can still shoot your team-mates if
you want. However, if you kill them, then you could be banned from
playing for a few rounds. Obviously I didn’t want to be banned from
all my lovely new pals, so rather than killing them, I’d just cause a little
mayhem – shoot them in the legs a little, or the arm, leading to them
getting pissed and shooting me in the head. End result? Other
player banned, me still playing.
Step 2:
The Bastard
And no, not the
sucka who writes the video review column here. Another feature of the game
is you can add smoke grenades and ‘flash bangs’ to your arsenal. The
smoke grenades are self explanatory, and the flash bangs basically make the
screen completely white for a few seconds, leaving you vulnerable to attack.
It’s good to stock up on a few, then just chuck them as your team-mates as
they’re about to confront the opposition. Causes complete mayhem,
leading to my team losing. Of course, when they ask me why I’d ever do
such a thing, I apologise, explaining that ‘I’m a very confused, old man’
and it’ll never happen again. Until the next round of course, nyuk
nyuk nyuk.
Step 3:
The Annoyance
Probably the most
fun way to irritate others is just using the chat feature. And no, not
using traditional ‘flaming’ tactics – that’d be a little too easy, and
therefore not nearly as satisfying. No, what’s best to do is just
confuse and/or surprise everyone. Examples, you say? Okey dokey.
Me: Hi everyone, this is big Hollywood actor and all-round
dream-boat, Tom Cruise. After working hard on a big blockbuster like
Steven Spielberg’s ‘Minority Report’, there’s nothing I like better than
hanging out with some online gaming buddies and maybe answering a few
questions while I’m at it. So… anyone got anything they’d like to say?
This little gem
should baffle just all the other players. However, as most of
them don’t bother with the ‘chat’ feature, it might take a little more to
get them ticked off 0 therefore, it’s important to keep the flow of bullshit
constant. Keep up the pretence that you really ARE Tom Cruise, and
it’ll have half of them ranting at you to shut up and the other half asking
what Nicole Kidman’s like in the sack. As long as you stay polite and
never drop the act, you should make lots of new friends and have a jolly
good time whilst doing so.
Online gaming
time!
Make it fun? How so, buddy?
Be a big fat jerk.
Add-On Section
Of Stupidity
- What’s the deal
with me always missing the deadline? It’s kinda cool to see a
super-special update dedicated solely to me, but it must still be
upsetting for my legions of fans as they scan the updates list for my
name, only to find that I ain’t there. Well, my minions, until you
start sending me wicked-cool stuff, I’ll update when I want, how I want
and if I want. Unless Dave the DarkFather starts shouting at me, of
course. He can be really hurtful when he wants to be.
- I just answered
an online survey for $20. It’s supposed to be for IT professionals
only but… well, I use a computer, and I try to be pretty professional
about it, so technically you could say I’m an IT professional. Ahem.
I bet I don’t even get the stinkin’ money, bunch of stupid jerks… and
anyway, what am I gonna do with $20? It’s freakin’ Mickey Mouse
money to me.
- The university
I’m going to in three weeks has an ‘Anti-Nazi League’ as one of the
societies you can join, which is possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever
heard of. I mean, what do they do at meetings?
Chairperson: So, who hates Nazis?
Everyone raises their hand.
Chairperson: Faaantastic! See
you next week.
- In retaliation,
I’m going to form a ‘Pro-Nazi League’, so we can have wicked-cool
paintball outings and quiz evenings to decide which group is truly the
strongest. Viva Hitler!
- I had 4 dumps
yesterday. 4! And they were all proper beefed up ones, none of
those namby-pamby drippy ones you get from the supermarket. Beat
that.
- Blah blahdy
blah blorgh
tommyb_uk@hotmail.com. Blahdy blah blah Askew Crapper Forum.
Blah blah blegh.
- I’m very
pleased with this column so far. So pleased that I’ve decided to
just abruptly stop it right… here.
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