Hello. I'm
the one they call POJK, but seeing as how we're buddies now, you can call me
Tom. Sure, it might not be as exciting as 'Pimped-Out-Jedi-Knight', but
it'll be easier in the long run. No, seriously, it will. I've got the
bare-faced cheek to think that anyone would care enough about what my
opinions are to read a column of mine, and this is it. Enjoy.
Like a lot of people born in Britain, I'm British, and seeing as how you're
most likely an American infidel pig-dog, I feel it's my duty to tell you
just how much better life is over here in… The Brit Report. Lame title,
yeah, but don't judge a book by it's cover. Jerk. Basically, I'm going to be
covering what's hot and what's not (cliché alert!) in the worlds of film,
music and television in this wee country of mine, while you marvel over how
fantastic I am. And with the tedious introductions over, let's get started.
First up:
Movies, Movies, Movies!
Hey, anyone remember that show that used to be on Sunday afternoons called
'Movies, Movies, Movies!'? That was the shizzle. It kind of cheapened it
when they renamed it 'Movies, Games and Videos!', but they had to move with
the times, I suppose. It was never the same though, even when they got Toby
Anstis to do the voice-over. Anyway, the column.
So, what's goin' down over here?
Well, 'Minority Report' seems to be doing big business, as is 'Spider-man',
and 'Scooby Doo' will no doubt perform pretty stupendously, box-office wise.
Saw Scooby the other day, and I dug it. Mind you, I pretty much enjoy every
film I see at the cinema these days, which I can only attribute to the fine
men and women involved in cinematic production. Geniuses of Hollywood, I
salute you. Of course, it might be the habit I have of lacing my popcorn
with mind-altering drugs, but until you have evidence to prove this, I'll
just ignore you and keep talking to this baked potato. And speaking of
mind-altering drugs, wasn't it fun to see weed jokes in a kid's film? I
laughed and laughed when Shaggy said how 'Mary-Jane' was his favourite name.
Then I stopped. Then the popcorn kicked in and I laughed a little bit more.
Ah, happy times at the old movie house. Anyway, Linda Cardellini was
beautiful, FPJ and SMG were almost tolerable and the whole Scrappy Doo issue
was addressed in the correct and proper manner.
'Birthday Girl' is out over here as
well. Heard of it? It's the one with Nicole Kidman and Ben Chaplin. Fun Fact
- Ben Chaplin used to be in a super-crappy Brit sit-com called 'Game On'.
And now he's 'the next big Hollywood heart-throb' or something. Craziness.
Another Fun Fact - Ben Chaplin's character plays a bank manager in St.
Alban's. My dad used to be a bank manager in St. Alban's. Coincidence? I
didn't think so, but then I took a closer look at the plot - Ben Chaplin
orders a Russian bride over the Internet, whilst all my dad orders is porn
and cheap liquor (since the local off-license won't serve him anymore).
Completely different, so I won't hear another word on the subject. And what
of the film? Uhh… well… let's just say I give it 30,000 stars and 12 thumbs
up! How's that sound?
Oh, and 'Rollerball', 'Resident Evil'
and 'What's The Worst That Could Happen?' have all finally been released
here as well. Yeah, I don't care either, but the idiots in charge would
start moaning if I didn't fill up all the space. I suggested a nice
dot-to-dot puzzle or word-search, but they demanded that it was all text.
Morons. Anyway, they're all probably poo, but the real issue is why do so
many movies take so long to get over here? There's a reason for that, which
I'll explain later, but it can be pretty annoying occasionally. You know who
I blame? YOU. That's right, YOU. I'm sure if you made a petition, you could
force the distributors to get the movies out here faster, but you're just
too lazy. For shame.
On the more obscure side of the movie
scene, 'Devdas' just got a release over here. What's that? Why, it's the
first Bollywood movie to get a general release in the UK ever, to my
knowledge. If you didn't know, Bollywood is the term given to Indian cinema,
and features lots of singing, dancing and general silliness. Unfortunately,
it doesn't feature super-heroes, Tom Cruise or a CGI dog, so I could care
less. Next!
Movie recommendation of the week - The Man Who Fell To Earth. Look
closely, and you can see David Bowie's scrotum. That makes it worth a
renting in my book. Which book? The Book Of Celebrity Genitalia.
Talkin' 'Bout TV (TV as in
Television, not Transvestites, unless I cover any shows starring Jamie Lee
Curtis, of course. Nyuk nyuk nyuk)
'Big Brother' mania is running wild.
You all know what Big Brother is, right? I'm sure you've had it in America…
10 people, locked in a house, with lots of hidden cameras, while
hilarity/tragedy ensue. At least that's what's supposed to happen. What
really happens is that 10 people get locked in the house, but after the
first two weeks all the clever/interesting ones get kicked out or leave of
their own accord, leaving only the dull, stupid and annoying ones to
sunbathe and complain. And the media go CRAZY about it. These nobodies are
on the covers of all the magazines, and we're told they're what 'everyone's'
talking about, even though the ratings show only 7 million people watch the
show, at the most. This might not be the biggest country in the world, but 7
million really ain't that much. The biggest shows get about 15 or 16 million
viewers, so it's bizarre how much attention they get. You might say 'oh, big
deal, we've seen it all with 'The Real World', and ranting about reality
television is SO passé', and to that I say shush. 'The Real World' was
actually pretty entertaining, mostly because Americans are so much stupider
and amusing to watch. I hate to say it, but most Brits are just too normal
to be on TV. Sure, there's the incredibly dumb blonde girl on Big Brother
who thinks Sherlock Holmes and Mother Theresa are related, but other than
that… they're not particularly exciting. Mind you, the narrator's fantastic,
but all people from Newcastle are. If you ever meet a Geordie, get them to
say 'social worker'. I guarantee you'll giggle. No-one reading this will
understand the last two sentences, but that's really not my problem.
Another little televisual (shut up,
it is a word) gem was 'Shipman', a 'docu-drama' based on the Doctor of the
same name who murdered over 250 people whilst working in his practise. Just
so you get what I'm saying, this REALLY HAPPENED a year or so ago, and now
they've made what is essentially a dramatic reconstruction of it. Is it
wrong to be a little disturbed by this? And how will the relatives of all
the victims be feeling, as they watch the death of their former loved ones
on screen? To be honest, I'm getting sick of all the 'Shock TV' that's
shoved down our throats these days. Whether it's an 'all access' reality TV
show, or a supposedly 'sensitive dramatic adaptation' of a serial killer's
life, it's getting to the point where I could just care less. Then I flick
over to wrestling, and everything's okay. Mmm.
Television recommendation of the week - 'Home Movies'. Funniest
animated series ever. Of course, if you don't have a TV, try trapping a moth
under an old Pringles' lid and watch its frantic struggle to escape. Hours
of fun.
Music... Stuff
As I mentioned in the Movies section
(which I didn't think was that great, but it's too late to turn back now),
here in Britain, we get most movies much later than America, which no doubt
has you jumping around in your trailers with glee. Well, spanky, there's a
reason for that: we get all the good music first. Don't believe me? Well, I
present Idlewild's fourth album 'The Remote Part' as evidence for this. If
you haven't heard of them, don't be ashamed. I mean, they're only the best
thing to have come out of Scotland since Sean freakin' Connery, and you are
nothing but a lowly no-nothing Yankee scum-bag, so it's not surprising that
you'd miss out on something so good. There's probably not enough room on
your radio air-waves anyway, considering how they're all dominated by such
angry, angry young men. And Pink, but Pink rules, so that's okay. Anyway…
the album's good, and if you're clever, you'll import it online, rather than
wait for months for it to get a US release. But only after you've finished
reading this column, okay? Okay… Chili Peppers are riding high in the albums
chart right now, which is unsurprising after Californicafornicafornication's
success. I don't think 'By The Way' is all that spectacular, but it's still
good. Just not great. Maybe I'll like it more after a few more spins on the
wheels of steel, who knows?
Garage music. Singers from 'Pop
Idol'. Chad Kroeger and his troll-like buddy. All are rubbish. 'Nuff said.
Oasis' new album's out. Once again,
nothing great - the sooner the Gallaghers get over their Beatles kick, the
better. If it wasn't for 'Definitely Maybe', I'd seriously consider calling
them rubbish and smelly.
Norman 'Fatboy Slim' Cook had a big
free festival thing over at Brighton beach at the weekend. 60,000 were
expected. 250,000 went to it. One man died in the ensuing chaos, over 30
were injured and the traffic put Brighton into a gridlock. Fatboy's since
said that he ain't doing it again, and I doubt the city's council will have
any problems with this. Yet another sign that dance music is the devil.
Except for Daft Punk, of course, but they don't really count because they
have 'Punk' in their name. Ahem.
Speaking of festivals, there's lots
of them coming up this summer. Yet another thing Americans can't do
properly, mostly because you're all a bunch of lightweights and turn into a
bunch of raving Nazi anarchists after a couple of beers. At least that's my
theory. Anyway, Reading looks excellent (with Foo Fighters, Weezer, Pulp,
The Strokes, Jane's Addiction and The Hives all on the list for the
three-day festival) as does it's sister festival, Leeds, which has the same
acts, as well as GUNS 'N' F'N ROSES, who haven't been to the UK for ages, so
that's one to get excited about. Well, just as long as you're an Axl fan,
rather than an an aficionado of all the quitters from the original line-up
who couldn't hack G 'n' R's hardcore drinkin' and fightin' lifestyle. Wimps.
There's a few other festivals, but Reading and Leeds are the bestest. It's a
shame most of you won't be able to go to them, but maybe if you hadn't done
all that revolting against the fine British Empire way back when, God
wouldn't have punished you in this way.
Music recommendation of the week
- the Baywatch theme. Still a classic, and if you close your eyes reeeeally
tight, you can see a half-naked David Hasselhoff running through the waves
while you listen to it. Oh, or that Anderson girl, whatever floats your
boat.
The End Is Here
So, that's it for the first issue of
The Brit Report. Longer than I thought it was going to be, and a little more
self-serving than I'd hoped, but what're you gonna do? Hey, why not tell me
what to do at tommyb_uk@hotmail.com?
I mean, what else have you got planned? Read The Bastard's column? Believe
me, it ain't worth it. Just spend a few minutes telling me how much I rule
the hizzouse, it'll be much better for you. Damn, I really used a lot of
short sentences in this column, which is pretty disgusting for someone who's
supposed to be an A grade English student. Let's put it down to nerves and
hope that next week I improve.
Next week on The Brit Report: The one
where Joey tries to learn how to tell the time, but he just can't do it!
Chandler and Rachel laugh and laugh. Ross whines.
Dun-diddle-de-den-de-dow-dow-dwowwwnnnnnnn. |
