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SUPER SPECIAL MINI
COLUMN OF RADICAL COWABUNGANESS!
You're daaamn right it is. But what
will it be about? Well, let's just say that what you're about to experience
will leave you shaking your head with disbelief as I tackle the ultimate
writing challenge. that's right, the FREE-FLOW CONTINUOUS COLUMN OF ULTIMATE
STUPIDITY.
See all the capitalisation I've used
so far? That's a sure sign that the next few paragraphs will be the bestest
ever. EVER.
Anyway, here's the plan - I write for
a few minutes, non-stop, just venting all the crap that's floating around in
my head, before posting it off to the three headed admin beast known as Kev
The Shaft-Father. I'm hoping it'll all be marvellously therapeutic for me,
and a joyous literary occasion for you. Understood? Then let's get the party
started.
So I haven't done a column for two
weeks. Big whoop, I've had bigger fish to fry. Like what, you ask? Well, you
nosey little bitches, I've been trying my best not to get fired, how's that
for an excuse?
I work at a home and garden centre. I don't want to, but unless I want to be
stuck inside every night for 3 years, then I have no other choice but to
make some cash. And like most jobs, it's horrible, HORRIBLE work - the other
day all I had to do was ensure all the tins of paint were in the right
places on the shelves. Sounds easy? Well, my poor, naïve companion, that's
where you're wrong - it took me all. fucking. day just to do a few aisles,
mostly because I'm managed by a complete moron. Right now, we're
understaffed and overworked, but rather than hiring a few more people to
make life a little less chaotic, he just gives 'motivational speeches', so
we'll all work harder, thus making hiring any more people unnecessary.
Here's an example of how one of these talks would usually go:
So guys, *smoothes back hair, adjusts
ties, clasps hands together* we've got a big order coming in today *hands on
hips, deep breath in, puff cheeks out* so I'm going to be needing everyone
working their hardest *strokes nose, smoothes back hair, scratches right
buttock* to make sure that we get everything done *picks nose when he thinks
no-one's looking, before realising that everyone's looking, slides hand up
face, over forehead, smoothes back hair, coughs awkwardly* okay team? Now
let's go for it! *long uncomfortable silence before employees mumble 'yeah'*
Ab
So
Lute
Ly
USELESS
So while I'm struggling to complete
various horrible menial tasks, I'm stuck either singing along to the
in-store radio (which NEVER CHANGES, so I can now organise my working day
according to which song is playing i.e. Beach Boys - 'Wouldn't It Be Nice' =
morning tea-break, Diana Ross - 'Chain Reaction' = lunch-time, Bowling For
Soup - 'Girl All The Bad Guys Want' - end of shift) or fucking with the
customers. Even though I've been working there for almost a couple of months
now, I'm still absolutely useless at helping customers, so I just take the
easy way out - lying through my teeth. They're still fun to deal with
though, as the slow look of realization they get when they realise that I'm
completely incompetent is worth attempting to deal with their stupid
requests.
In fact, it's getting harder and harder to slack off - the managers do
little more than patrol the shop-floor to make sure everyone's working, and
I don't have the bonus of a computer to make it look like I'm doing
something - I have taken to constantly carrying around a small hammer with
me though, as an excuse for being somewhere I'm not supposed to (as the
transport of the small hammer is VITAL to the shop's success). Really
though, I'd kill to have a nice, dull office job - anyone who complains
about it needs to spend a few days doing what I do, and then they'll find
out just how sucky a job can be.
Damn, that felt good. Whinging is
quite possibly the best way to make yourself feel better. It might be a
horrible excuse for a column, but. well, tell you what - e-mail me over at
tommyb_uk@hotmail.com with all
the problems in your life, and we'll call it evens. Sound fair? Sorted -
Respect Due.
See you on Sunday, homies, when I'll
have a 'proper' column. Possibly.
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