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But this week
by professional footballer and all-round nice fella
MORTEN HYLDGAARD
Morten Enjoys Meeting New People
Hello.
My name is Morten Hyldgaard. Feel free to marvel over the lack of
vowels at the start of my surname, but the delightful abundance of them at
the end. Okay, that is enough marvelling. I am here today
because my good friend and personal acquaintance, Tom, is on strike against
the horrible and awful DarkFather who has still not supplied him with a
satisfactory apology. Right now I can see him sitting at the table,
enjoying a bowl of toast. How is the toast, you are enjoying it, yes?
Ah, he looks up, smiles and nods. Tom certainly does enjoy toast.
I am from the
land of Denmark,
land of bacon and curious game-shows with wonderful prizes. Whilst I
am most skilful on the football… sorry, what’s that Tom? He is telling
me that it is known as ‘soccer’ to you less fortunates. Oh, how I
laugh with my manly, Danish voice at you Americans and your curious ways.
Anyway, whilst I am most skilful on the ‘soccer’ field, I am also an
exceptional writer, so I shall fill in for Tom whilst he waits for Dave
DarkFather to grovel sufficiently for his return.
Morten Is Polite And Always Puts The Toilet Seat Down
Hello again. To
you on the Internet, it will appear as if I have not been anywhere, but
actually, I just ate a really big pie and had a very satisfying bowel
movement. This is one of the aspects of the Internet that I find
fascinating. One day I hope to write an essay concerning my theories
on why the Internet is a source of fascination to millions, and show it to
my family and friends. Perhaps they will make interesting comments, so
I can make a revised edition and present it to the Queen or Mr. Tony Blair.
That would be very nice indeed!
I’m not
exactly sure what to write about. When I asked Tom, he snorted and
said ‘do whatever the hell you like, it’s not like that stupid hack
DarkFather would know quality even if it were to hit him in the face’.
Then we talked about memories past and shared ghost stories. Tom is
most superb at writing ghost stories, I was scared stiff!
[Editor's note - I have been hit in the face many, MANY times with quality
and I recognized it immediately]
So, before
writing this collection of writings, I looked at what other people were
doing for the site, and came to some conclusions on what the fans of ‘The
Crapper’ wanted:
- Stories
about ‘road trips’.
- Incessant
whining about the mediocre lives of people whose only claim to fame is as
a minor ‘Internet personality’.
- Plagiarism.
I find this
all terrifically confusing, but I am but a simple Danish man, and it is not
my place to question my superiors. Here is my column. I hope you
will like!
Road Trip
When I was
12, I took a road-trip with my family to France. Unfortunately, we
crashed and flipped over. No-one was seriously hurt, but when waiting
for the odd French mechanics to give us another means of transport, I drank
too much Diet Coke and had to use a horrid French toilet, which has
traumatised me for life.
(Note from
Tom: This story is one of mine, and is actually true. I lent it
to Morten because he has never travelled in an automobile, for fear of his
hair-style being ruined when they go dead fast on the motorways. Oh,
and I’m still on strike. Power to the people.)
Incessant
whining
Today, at
training, my team-mate and former friend Richie Partridge (pictured above)
tripped me over. I fell and grazed my knee. Also, notice that
Richie’s picture is smaller, and he wears a much less brighter shirt than I.
There is good reason for this.
Later, when I
went to the super-market, I discovered that Tesco’s no longer sell guacamole
in large tubs. I grumbled to myself in my curious Danish accent, and
bought two small ones instead. It was still excellent when I spread it
on crisp-bread later, but knowing that I paid more than I should have had to
really ticked me off.
Plagiarism
Confessions of the
Non-Lurking Man
As most of
you are keenly aware, the board was down for most of the week. We have
the Hacker to thank for that. I must say, the whole stinking
mess just sucked. And frankly, it was a shitty hack anyway. I'm glad
this jerk didn't do any real damage (at least damage which allowed us to
roam freely around all of VA and the like), but interrupting those sites,
bringing down people's livelihoods, it just sucked.
[Editor's note #2 - this column WAS written almost immediately after Tom's
last column which was late. So while the topic is clearly outdated, do
not blame the writer - or me - blame Tom.]
At this
point, please hurl your favorite Jay insult loudly and proudly into the air,
directed towards the Hacker. Ah, that feels better, doesn't it?
Of course, I
was personally affected by this disaster all week. My column WILL
SURELY SUFFER DAMMIT! And it pains me to have only a little material
to wade through. But, as a professional lurker, I'll have to do my
best with what I have to work with!
Morten Likes To Feed The Ducks And Has Perfect Table Manners
Okay, that is
all for now, friends. I am tired so I will go to bed. Maybe next
week I will be writing again, or maybe not. It is all dependent upon
the behaviour of the web-master (or web-masturbator as Tom has taken to
calling him, for reasons inexplicable to me). So to you all, I say
guten tag. Yes, I know that is German and not Danish, but that is
unimportant.
[Editor's final note - Tom is now on probation. His dues are in
arrears and his blatant disregard for not only my position as editor of this
piece of crap but my feelings as well has left me with no other choice.
Soon, I fear, we shall be in need of an arbiter to help resolve this mess
that Tom has created with his whiney Britishness.] |
