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[Editor's note] - Tom insisted on
something special at the top of his column. I indulged him, yet can't
explain why.
Excuses,
excuses
They’re for wimps. I’m confident
enough in my own superiority to not have to apologise for missing my
deadline not once, not twice, but THRICE. Is thrice a word? Of
course it is, I just used it. Duh. Anyways, if you really want
to know why I haven’t bothered to update for a while, it’s because I’ve been
swamped with stupid essays now that I’m at stupid university.
Fortunately though, I only have to get 40% overall in my first year, because
it doesn’t count! Huzzah! Don’t worry, that’s it for me moaning
about my problems – who do you think I am, Adam Appel? Nope, I’m 100%
hetero. Possibly.
Gloatin’ Around
So, who else entered the marvellous
Halloween competition? Well, unless your name is Steven Kilpatrick
then no, you didn’t. This makes you a fool, as you’ll have
noticed that it was only he and I who entered. Haven’t read my entry?
Well, then check this shizzle out:
Shaggy
walks into a big house. 'Zoinks' says Shaggy. 'Ry rame's Rooby
Rooby Roo!' says Scooby Doo. Fred says nothing, as this is one of the
later episodes and he's been cancelled. Sorry, pretty boy, but
NECKTIES DON'T = RATINGS. Stupid stinky hippy stoners and retarded
talking dogs do though. Okay? Good. Anyway, Ghost Rider turns
up, and all the comic fans start typing/masturbating furiously, whilst
screaming 'OMG WTF www.LOL2002.com!!!!' at the top of their lungs.
There's some confusion over whether Ghost Rider is good or bad, seeing as
how he's got a flaming skull for a head, and the gang discuss the meta-philosphical
capabilities for someone with a flaming skull for head to commit acts of
non-transigotional activity. Then they go bowling. Some
Cannabilistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers turn up too, but nobody cares.
They've gone bowling, you see, so these CHUD are of no interest to them.
Jeez, keep up.
I'm
very pleased with how this story is going so far.
The
evening is somewhat spoiled by Daphne being a sore loser and accusing
Scrappy of foul-play, but other than that, a lovely time is had by all.
The whole 'Scrappy is a dirty cheater' incident is irrelevant anyway,
because Shaggy wins easily. Not suprising, considering he's playing
against two dogs, a girl and a crime-fighting skeleton. Was Ghost
Rider a skeleton? Find out in GHOST RIDER: ORIGIN, coming to all good
comic book shops soon. Turns out that Ghost Rider's name isn't really
'Ghost Rider', but actually Arthur C. Thrunkleberry (III), and he was raised
in some big crazy mansion, which may or may not be in Canada. Yet
another reason to
MAKE
MINE MARVEL.
A
spooky poltergeist turns up later, but soon leaves. And how do I know
this? Because I WAS THAT SPOOKY POLTERGEIST! And that freaky
little kid was the only one who could see because I'm REALLY ACTUALLY DEAD.
And I WAS THE ONE WHO MADE THE TRAIN CRASH HAPPEN SO I COULD FIND YOU.
It was the kids you see... they called me Mr. Arse. Oh, and I'm
ALLERGIC TO WATER OR SOMETHING SO THAT'S WHY I INVADED A PLANET THAT WAS TWO
THIRDS COVERED IN THE STUFF. Three crazy plot twists for the price of
one.
Pretty
damned impressive.
The End
Now that’s what I call a scary story.
Or something. Anyway, I’m horribly disgusted with all of you for not
entering, or at least I would be if your not entering didn’t result in me
winning some cool stuff. Being an Award Winning writer though, I
decided to do some serious investigation into why people didn’t enter
aforementioned competition.
The Question: Why didn't you enter The Askew Crapper's
splendid competition? I mean, I won a prize, for Pete's sake, and my entry
was pathetic.
Stupid Slacker Who Could Have Won
Some Cool Stuff No. 1 – Duffless
Whiny Excuse - “I didn't have a good idea, or the time to work
on a good idea....I gave it a thought since the prize was sweet........but I
blame lack or good ideas”
Translation:
“I didn’t done have no illin’ ideaz,
y’all know what I’m sayin’, G? Oh, an’ I knoo yo’ ass was enterin’ so
I was thinkin’ that I’d need a little sumptin’ sumptin’ to win any of dem
flyyyyyy prizez. Word.
Stupid Slacker Who Could Have Won
Cool Stuff No. 2 – Kiss It
Whiny Excuse - “I would have loved to, but I didn't have the
time. If he re-opened it due to the shameful turn out, I'll write one. That
was way too easy to even accept a prize.”
Translation: “Whine whine whine whine whine whine
whine. Can you not see that I am incapable of human inter-action
because of my bitterness over your exceptional skill? Leave me be, you
rascal”
Stupid Slacker Who Could Have Won
Cool Stuff No. 3 – Kevin “Le Grande Pretentious Donnacha Worshipping
Illusion” Hoffman
Whiny Excuse - “I could never write anything past a couple of
paragraphs of random thoughts and a few hit-and-miss jokes. Besides
anything I write turns out to be knoking religion, or something ending up
sexual. It would turn out to be:
Jill walked into the dark, dildo shaped
room. She was suddenly turned on. A man jumped out from the
corner. He was holding a gun. Jill was scared, but thought the
murderer was kind-of cute. The proceded to give each other pleasure
beyond belief.
See how I turned a perfectly good 'Lady
walking into dark room story' into a hot, orgasmic experience? That's
why I didn't write.
I truely thought that people would
catch on to this contest.......but they didn't. Just like the 'Pulp
Fiction' one. Damn the fools.
--Kevin”
Translation: B-b-beans and pork. It’s always
morning in America, even in the afternoon. You must have the hostage
special!
Stupid Slacker Who Could Have Won
Cool Stuff No. 4 – SHAFTR
Whiny Excuse - “Well, to be honest, I already had the other
DVD's (well except for ROTLD and RE). Let me rephrase that... I had Army of
Darkness and didn't care for the others. Plus I had just won the logo
contest and didn't want to be a prize hog.
I leave that to you.”
Translation: ”Blahdy blah blah.
Your magnificence has me cowering behind
my impudence. Please don’t put me in the pickle jar.”
So there you have it. To
summarise, everyone is stupid and fat and smelly. Except for me, I
rule, but you already knew that.
[Editor's 2nd note] - SHAFTR did NOT
win the logo contest. Rob McDole did. I'll let Tommy Boy explain
the gaff.
BREAKING NEWSFLASH UPDATE
Now what in the name of Sweet Baby
Jesus and the orphans is this I read on the front page of the Crapper?
‘Time to say goodbye to Tom’? I’m disgusted.
So, Dave the Darkfather person wants me
out, just because I happen to miss the deadline for a third week in a row?
Me? The Award Winning Epitome Of Greatness that is Tom Blackett?
Notice that every sentence in this paragraph so far has ended with a
question mark – you can’t buy dem writing skillz, kidz, you can only done be
blessed with dem from de heavenz above.
Anyway, back to ranting. Me?
He wants to kick ME out? Damn it, I’m the only reason people bother
coming to this stupid site. In fact, I recently conducted a poll (or
‘pole’, for all you wacky funsters out there who like to misspell words with
hilarious consequences) which was met with furious apathy by the members of
the V-A web-board – the general conclusion was that whilst they TOTALLY
understood my inability to update frequently, the very thought of me being
entirely removed would cause a murderous riot (possibly involving explosions
and/or travel through time to stop DarkFather from ever being conceived).
And on a side note, who is Noga
Westerlund and why are they including poetry within their columns?
Granted, it wasn’t a haiku, but it’s still cashing in on my shtick.
Anyway, long story short, as from the
end of this paragraph, I am on strike until DarkFather makes a public
apology on the front page of The Crapper. So there.
[Editor's final note] - Tom may, in
fact, be on strike, but I have plenty of "strike-busters" at the ready.
If work does not resume soon, Mr. Blackett will end up eating soup through a
straw and tongue-typing his next column. |
