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This web site
has too many Robs. Well, it has two, and that’s two too many! Anyway, from
now on, ‘SHAFTR’ Rob will be called Christian Scott Thomas and ‘Raikus’ Rob
will be known as Michelle Trachtenberg, just to stop me from being confused.
*Cue Titles*
Y’know Juando,
I’ve just got no material for this column. Seriously, nothing AT ALL.
What? Oh, I know that hasn’t stopped me in the past, but this feels…
different, y’know? Sure, you might be little more than a lowly Mexican
stage-hand/massage boy, but can’t you understand the need for inspiration in
this crazy business? Sometimes… sometimes I wonder what the point of it all
is, if all the tragedy and heartache that writing a column for a stupid
hacky web site is truly worth it. Oh, don’t cry Juando; you know I’ll never
leave you. It’s just Dave the DarkFather’s being horrid, trying to actually
tie me down to a schedule, and no-one else is giving me any respect. Why,
if I were a real man, I’d e-mail him at
darkfather@theaskewcrapper.com
and give him a piece of my mind. I’d certainly encourage any of my legions
of fans to do so… in fact, I’d want anyone who reads my column and isn’t a
Nazi to do so. Why? Because I believe in doing the right thing. What’s
that Juando, my tasty little enchilada? Opening titles are almost over?
Then let’s get this show on the road. And remember, this is between you and
me. I am a professional, after all.
Opening Theme
Colour… as we
live in this world that turns
Morale… it’s something that can’t be learned
Put ‘em together, what have you got?
A cheeky slice of life, filled with witty bon mots
The Colour Of Morale, don’t be afraid
The Colour Of Morale, let’s relax in the shade
It might not be witty, it might be quite crass
But don’t tell that to Tom, or he’ll kick your ass
Hello, and
welcome to another edition of The Colour of Morale. You might’ve noticed
that this week, the introduction is particularly long. I would explain, but
you’re too stupid and smelly to comprehend my reasoning. So there. God,
I’m tired. This column might end up being a little shorter than others, but
still about ten times as long as anyone else’s (excluding Steve
Kilpatrick’s, but his doesn’t count). Y’know that my introduction was
longer than sAm ‘I’ll use capital letters wherever the hell I want to’
Larson’s last ‘epic’ in relation to how he likes to tug himself off in the
shower. Hardly surprising though, considering all his other columns have
been nothing but a load of old wank. Ka-ZING! I’m not sure if that made
sense, but that’s never stopped me before. Notice how we’re almost 500
words into this and I still haven’t written about anything even slightly
worthy of public consummation? It’s one of THOSE weeks, folks. That’s
what you get when you’re forced to do weekly updates though. That
insatiable bastard DarkFather still refuses to accept that I’m a fortnightly
kind of guy. What a jerk. Fuck it, this section’s horrible, I’m moving on
to more familiar territory.
It’s
Internet Fighting, But Not As We Know It
Who loves
their computer? You’re reading a column by some know-nothing ‘web-board
personality’ fucker, of course you do. Who has too much free time on their
hands? Re-read the second sentence of this paragraph. I think the answer’s
pretty obvious. Now, for a more confusing, yet equally entertaining query –
who has enough free time on their hands to play role-playing computer games
without the games part? Confused? You won’t be! Well, possibly, I’m
guaranteeing nothing.
Y’see folks,
for some people (myself included), normal gaming just ain’t enough. Sure,
pissing off people in different time zones can be fun (see an earlier column
for details on how to do that, and do it well), but for the
hyper-intelligent, there’s too many boundaries. That’s why my new favourite
thing is ONLINE FANTASY ROLEPLAYING FIGHTING.
God I love
it. Hence the capitals. I’m not sure if that’s what it’s ‘official’ name
is, but it still rules. Basically, you and another online combatant get
together, be it in a chat room or on a message board type thing and have a
big old role-play fight. Most keep to one form of combat, usually
‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ type wacky kung-fu shenanigans, and sure,
that’s alright, but for me it’s still… not… enough. See, I’m a pretty
intense guy – I don’t drink Pepsi, I drink PEPSI MAX. I don’t have a
‘large’ McDonalds meal, I have it SUPER-SIZED. And I certainly don’t fight
to any ‘rules’; I fight to MY OWN RULEZZZZZZZZZ. Note the 9 Zs – this might
seem excessive, but the last 2 are silent, so it’s no problem. Anyway,
here’s an example of how a fight might go.
GenericRolePlayingFighter: I do a triple back flip, gliding
smoothly through the air with cat-like agility, before landing cleanly on my
feet in the dragon stance.
Tom: I pull back my hands, before thrusting
them forward, unleashing a SONIC BOOOOOM!
GenericRolePlayingFighter: I dodge the ‘Sonic Boom’ with ease, and
dive over your head, giving you a roundhouse kick to the back.
Tom: I fall to the floor, but spring back
up, and – SNIKT – unleash my adamantium claws, gleaming in the sun. “You
wanna play, bub? ‘Cus I’m the best there is at what I do” I scream, before
diving at you with a BERSERKER RAGE ATTACK.
GenericRolePlayingFighter: …
Tom: Looking up, I see a plane flying
overhead, my eyes widening in panic as a bomb hurtles from it towards earth:
GenericRolePlayingFighter: …Uh …
Tom: Pushing you out the way, the bomb
explodes… I get caught in its blast; gamma rays seeping into my body…
feeling the radiation change every cell of my being. Feeling… body…
mutating… getting… huge… and… and… green…
GenericRolePlayingFighter: This is stupid. I’m leaving.
Tom: No! Don’t go! That’d make me angry,
and you wouldn’t like me… when I’m angry…
At this point
the other person usually leaves, or I get kicked out and banned. Yes,
ONLINE FANTASY ROLEPLAYING FIGHTING is extreme, but it’s not quite
XXXXXXXXXXtreme enough for someone as super badass as me. It’s always the
‘hulking out’ that they can’t accept, which seems pretty small-minded to
me. Bunch of jerks…
Jesus, this
column got super-geeky, super-fast. Y’know who I blame? That’s right,
DarkFather (if that’s even his real name). Trying to get us to ‘categorise’
ourselves and actually write about stuff… I miss the good old days of
handing in a column whenever I felt like it.
Add-on Section Of Stuff, Because I’ll Be Dead In The Cold, Hard Ground
Before Any Column Of Mine Is Less Than 1500 Words
Guess what extra course I’ve been forced to sign up for at university? No,
not that. Nope, not that either. Lord, why the hell would anyone want to
do THAT? You people suck at guessing, so I’ll just tell you.
I’m doing ‘Teaching English as a Foreign Language’. This isn’t nearly as
much fun as it sounds. See, my logic was this – ‘teaching a bunch of
foreign hoodlums how to speak English? That’ll be easy – after all, if I
just shout at them for long enough, they’ll eventually get the idea’.
Incredibly, I was wrong – there’s a minimum amount of shouting involved, and
even less opportunity to ‘discipline’ students. This makes no sense to me,
as the ‘shout and clout’ method of teaching is a sound one. Anyway, it’s
all very confusing, and the less said about it, the better.
Speaking of University, I think the majority of my tutors and lecturers are
American. I don’t understand it either, but I’m sure as heck not happy
about it.
Poolboy sucks. OMG LOL2002 ROTFLMAO WTF. Happy now, you inbred
son-of-a-hick? You’ve FINALLY got your mention, and in doing so, I’ve
reduced the professionality of my column by at least 500%. Even more so
now, as the bastard spell-checker’s telling me ‘professionality’ isn’t a
real word. This is supposed to be a PROPER web site, for God’s sake;
DarkFather gets all pissy when the columns are full of mindless drivel like
this.
This is a little late, but Donnacha (of Crapper script feature fame) has
apparently been quoted as saying on the V-A board that ‘The Askew Crapper is
a stupid dummy name for a web-site, and shouldn’t it be changed to something
more pretentious and witty?’ Well, that’s not exactly what he said, but it
sounds like something that Irish bastard would say. Therefore, I’m going to
petition Dave the DarkFather Slave Driving Nazi to change the name of this
little web site to ‘Donnacha Is A Stupid Irish Poo-Face Robbie Williams
Lover’. How’s that for witty, Mutha-Hubbard? ZING TO THE NTH DEGREE!
Jesus, being clever is exhausting. I’m off home to have a fajita. Word
out, and be sure to send me all your love/hate/sexual queries at
tommyb_uk@hotmail.com
or TAC forums, if you don’t mind airing your dirty laundry in public, as it
were. |
