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Another Comment On The State Of The Askew Crapper™
Damn, it
almost looks professional now, doesn’t it? Pretty new layout, a hunt
for a ‘proper logo’ and finally, WE HAVE PICTURES! So yeah, that’s the
good news, but the bad news is that now that I feel like I’m writing for a
half-way respectable site, my columns might just have to start to be
about stuff. So yeah, expect me to start BRINGING THE CONTENT, as
only I can. Of course, I’m not actually going to tell anyone what the
content is, and I’m confident I’ll still stay behind schedule, but
considering that we live in a world filled with rapists, suicide bombers and
Chad Kroeger, is it really that much of an issue? Christ, get some
perspective.
Oh, and
speaking of people who need to get some perspective, it’s time to move on
to…
Damn Paintballers
Remember my
last column? Oh come now, it wasn’t that long ago that I did it.
Kind of. Ahem. Anyway, if you’re too lazy to check the
archives and re-read my masterpiece, then here’s a re-cap – in an attempt to
boost TAC’s dwindling ratings, I declared war on Christianity &
Atheists, Albuquerque and Paintball. Guess which one
of these targets I got the most hate mail over? Why paintball of
course, silly-buns! Yes, I have the type of audience who won’t be at
all offended over someone poking fun at religion or some American hick-town
that’s really hard to spell, but by golly, if you DARE start nay-saying
about a past-time mainly played by would-be psychopaths, then they’ll bring
the thunder! You want examples? Oh, I’ll give you examples…
Tom vs. The Army Of Paintball
The hate-mail
started pretty damn quickly, so Dave ‘DarkFather’
Idon’tknowwhathissurnameis tacked the rantings of some guy called
‘~Kenny~’ at the bottom of it. Here it is, in all its sexy glory:
War on
paintball??? KISS MY MOTHER FUCKING ASS. PAINTBAL IS A SPORT AND THE
BEST SPORT AT THAT. YOU TRY TO START A WAR AND YOU WILL BE
HEARING FROM ME AGAIN. WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO START A WAR AGAINST
PAINTBALL? WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST IT? YOU AND YOUR "FRIENDS" ,IF YOU HAVE
ANY, TO SCARED TO PLAY, LITTLE WUSSY, THE NEXT E-MAIL WILL NOT BE SO
NICE.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yipes.
Clearly a conversation with this guy could pad a column up a little.
Anyways, I send him a quick e-mail telling him that resistance is useless
and I won’t rest until paintball is eliminated. Then he… well, read
on, it kind of explains itself.
~Kenny~:
Tell me something, How exactly are you gonna
eliminate it?
Tom: Through
the power of song and insanely tight underwear.
~Kenny~: WTF
Tom: OMG WTF
LOL2002 ROTFLMAO 4 LIFE! You know Hitler used to play paintball?
You filthy disgusting Nazi.
~Kenny~: nazi? me
nazi? yeh right .....YOU ARENT GOING TO WIN THE WAR SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL
GIVE UP
Tom: WhatEVER
girlfriend – just face facts – paintball doesn’t stand a chance against the
might of The Askew Crapper
~Kenny~:
girlfriend? excuse me i am not a GIRL i am a MAN and the askew shitter cant
stand a chance against us
Exciting
stuff, right? Oh, by the way, I’m not exactly sure what I wrote to the
little darling, so the stuff that I wrote might not be exactly the same as
the original. Mind you, all of ~Kenny~’s is 100% genuine, and
isn’t that’s what important?
Anyway,
apparently ~Kenny~ (damn, I’m getting sick of doing those little ~
things) has pals. Huzzah! First up is Ryan. Truth
be told, Ryan isn’t too bad. At least he wouldn’t be if he wasn’t a
filthy paintballer. ZING! Yeah… anyway, check out his shizzle.
hey, I
am a paintballer, and I would really like to know exactly why you are trying
to destroy it.....when I highly doubt you have all the facts, and playing
paintball isnt about war, supporting hitler or anything close to those
things, its really about teamwork....going out on the field and having a
good time and it also helps you to learn the importance of communicating
right. e-mail me back with all of the information you have and i will
come up with an alternative to every thing you have that is good!
an
ex-fan,
Ryan
Like I said,
Ryan seems like a pretty good guy, so I write back explaining everything to
him (i.e. that I only wrote the column to get a rise out of people and that
paintball only mildly irritates me at best), and that was that. Like
the great Mahatma Gandhi once said ‘be nice to me, and I’ll be nice to you,
but send me a horrid e-mail because I write a satirical article defaming
some stupid past-time you like, and I’ll fuck you up from here to Calcutta.'
Interesting that Ryan says he’s an ex-fan, but surely if he’s a regular
reader, he’d understand that it was all a big ol’ joke. Ah well, ho
hum.
Last one:
hello my
name is Frosty and im going to be honest with you WTF ARE YOU THINKING a war
on paintball what crap. ok my question is why are you doing this what have
paintballers done to you i know kennys e-mail was a lil over the edge but
c'mon we are just a bunch of people that like to get to gether and play our
favorite sport. really paintball is a team building sport its supposed to
build friends and trust in there team but its when sombody has to write an
artical on how its stupid and remembering your quote from the PBfreaks chat
room Hitler never played paintball because there was no paintball markers in
the 1940s that i know of. now im trying to be as nice as i can in this
e-mail and i have a feeling you are going to make fun of it and all that
crap just think there is one of you and millions of us paintballers think of
it do u think you are going to win. also How are you going to decaliare a
"war on paintball" i just dont really get that. ok im closeing this e-mail
with PLZ get a life just cause you get off on makeing fun of other paople
dosnt meen you have to do it its sooooo BS.
Frosty
(manager
or the paintballfreaks site)
‘Frosty’?
Huh – well I think he certainly needs to CHILL OUT as I don’t want to be
SNOWED UNDER by anymore of his ICE COLD comments. See what I did
there? Damn, I’m witty. Anyway, thanks, ‘Frosty’, for
kindly informing me that there were no paintball markers in the 1940s, so
Hitler couldn’t possibly have played paintball. I blame my informant
who provides me with all the background knowledge I need to create my
columns – if you want to blast him with mindless, poorly spelt insults his
e-mail is darkfather@theaskewcrapper.com.
Oh, and here’s a fun fact – according to the name that headed Frosty’s
e-mail in my inbox, this little vigilante's secret identity is ‘Lane
Luper’ – with a name like that, he could be one of Superman’s
bee-yatches. Just imagine it, the Man of Steel strutting around
with his pimp hat and cane, followed by
Lois Lane, Lana Lang and
Lane Luper. It’s all in the alliteration, baby.
The End Is Near
So, that’s it for another column. Or is it? Seeing as
how the majority of this has been my shamelessly self-indulgent
antagonisation of wacky paintballers, I suppose I should use these last
couple of paragraphs to finally BRING THE CONTENT. So here it goes:
Haiku Reviews, How Are You?
Road To Perdition:
Pretty, yet shallow
Tom Hanks is always grumpy
Although Newman’s good
Beck’s New Album:
Beck is unhappy
Makes change from usual antics
Still, excellent stuff
The New Superman Script Thingie:
Lots of ‘Matrix’ fights
Lex Luthor is from Krypton?
Worse than Batman 4
University Life:
I am at Uni
I can’t find John Belushi
Still lots of fun though
SHAFTR Or Whatever His Name Is And His Feeble Attempts To Steal My Shtick:
Rob is just a hack
Trying to cash in on me
I’m the whole damn show
Anti-Nazi Society:
They all look scary
I’m too frightened to mock them
So no laughs for now
Right, that’s me done. Seeing as how The Crapper’s
trying to be a big-time web-site now, I’m not going to spell-check my work,
just like the ‘professionals’ at Ain’t It Cool News! Now I just have
to work on my ‘obese orang-utan’ look and write a stupid book to be just
like your God and mine, Harry Knowles. Here’s to the future. Oh,
and send more of your stupid e-mails to me at
tommyb_uk@hotmail.com. But
please, no more about paintball, they’re starting to get boring.
Sorted: respect due. |
