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The Colour of Morale

September 24th, 2002

by POJK

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, I’d like to take a quick moment to talk to you about something very close to my heart.

It’s been 7 weeks since the web-site known as ‘The Askew Crapper’ was brought into existence.  We’ve lost a few soldiers due to lack of interest, abduction and/or marriage, but we’re still here.  We’ve had a change of management, as Dave The DarkFather© now holds control over our sorry asses, instead of Hoffman-SHAFTR ™. We’ve even survived the threat of a hostile takeover by that other famous V-A fan web-site ‘Art Askew’.  Yes, there’s been all manner of thrills, chills and spills at The Askew Crapper, but the important thing is we’ve made it here together.

So yes – we have problems.  And usually in situations like this, you wouldn’t think it’d be possible to place all the blame on a solitary party but… well, in this case we can.

At 8:42 PM (GMT) BigDan’s contract with The Askew Crapper™ was terminated because of his contribution to The Askew Crapper™’s recent demise, as well as his out-spoken opinions on the Franco-Prussian war.  The Askew Crapper and all its associates would like to wish Mr. BigDan the best of luck in all of his future ventures, and hope that his desk will be cleared by 9:00 AM tomorrow, unless he wants the heavies to learn him a lesson he won’t soon forget.

Starting Fights

What’s the one thing this web-site needs that it doesn’t already have? Columnists who can actually write? A colour scheme that doesn’t sap your will to live?  Some God-damn pictures to break up the sheer tedium of all this text?  Well, yeah, we could probably do with those too, but what’s REALLY important is getting a good old-fashioned FEUD on the go.  Inspired by George W. Bush (‘The Real Man’s Man’), and his glorious efforts to get World War 3 started, I’ve decided to do my bit for global disharmony, and started the ball rolling to have The Askew Crapper at war.  It’s important to pick the targets for The Askew Crapper’s rage carefully, as we wouldn’t want to upset anyone in the process.  So, with-out further Apu (see what I did there?  OMG LOL ‘SIMPSONS’ REFERENCES RULLLLLLLE!), allow me to take you down the path of anarchy/stupidity I created.

Victims Of TAC’s Rage No. 1 – The Entire Christian Religion (As Well As All The Damn Atheists That Don’t Have Enough Backbone To Believe In Anything)

So I wander into an MSN chat-room entitled ‘Free Debate Between Christians And Atheists’ – this seemed perfect for my needs as a) I’d be forcing two natural enemies together to side against the unholy might of The Crapper, which is always fun and b) if it’s a ‘debate’ room, how could they possibly boot me? 

It all started harmlessly enough.  I made an announcement that The Askew Crapper declared war on all followers of the Christian religion (as well as all the non-followers), and demanded that they accept us as their new deities.  I also invited them to all take a look at our little online haven, and tell us what they thought of it.  Most of them agreed that it was just another ‘pissy teen angst’ site (which, let’s be honest here people, is fair enough) and called me many horrid un-Christian names which really hurt my feelings.  Then when I asked for any comments on the impending doom that was to be inflicted upon them, they began debating on whether war could ever be just.  The general feeling was that all war was evil, which I thought was a little harsh, so I presented them with a scenario – if you name an innocent little puppy ‘War’, would it be evil?  Answer – no way, José.  They had no answer for this, so they booted me.  Bunch of jerks…

Victims Of TAC’s Rage No. 2 – The City Of Albuquerque

Staying on MSN (because a) they have a whole load of chat-rooms to choose from and b) because I’m lazy), I headed to a chat-room for the good folk of Albuquerque.  Apparently it’s the ‘Land Of Enchantment’.  Pretty stupid, yeah, but at least it’s not described as ‘Home of NASCAR Fans’ like Charlotte.  Charlotte must really suck hard if being home to NASCAR fans is considered a positive thing.  But anyway…

The Albuquerqians were a lot friendlier than the Christian/Atheist combination – so friendly that I decided to offer them an ultimatum rather than just declare all-out warfare.  Here’s the list I drew up:

1. Stop being such jerks to all the people from Phoenix – sure, they might not be as bright as everyone else, but damn it, they try, and isn’t that worth something?
2. Change the city’s name from Albuquerque to ‘Happy Happy Easter-Town’, where it’s Easter every day of the week!
3. Play nothing but ‘Quantum Leap’ re-runs 24/7 on every TV station to try and inject a few values into the mindless sinners that inhabit Happy Happy Easter-Town.
4. Appoint Tony Danza as your Mayor/Almighty Master (whether he likes it or not).

Unfortunately, it was Tony that pushed the barrier a little too far.  So because of their stubbornness, Albuquerque is now on The Crapper’s hit-list.  I don’t like it any more than you, but it’d be Un-American not to.

Victims Of TAC’s Rage No. 3 – The ‘Sport’ Of Paintball

Sport, my asteroids, it’s just an excuse for grown men to run about pretending to be Steve McQueen.  Speaking of Steve McQueen, anyone heard that song Sheryl Crow did about him?  Horrible, horrible, horrible.  They played it at least 4 times a day at my work, and it sapped my will to live.  She’s already going to hell for that blasphemous cover of ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’, but her ode to Steve McQueen ensured she’ll be stuck there for a little longer than eternity.  Like eternity² or something.  Ahem.

Anyway, paintballers… these guys take themselves far too seriously.  They’ve all got screen-names with about twenty x’s in ‘em, (like xXXX-xxxXXX-xxxxX-DeAtH-BaLlEr-xXXX-xxxXXX-xxxxX) and get all upset if you do something as innocent as declare war on them.  My ass barely touched the ground, I was booted so quickly.  For this, our wrath will be super-sized – we’re sparing none of ‘em, all them mother hubbards are gonna pay (OMG paraphrasing ‘Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back’ ROTFLMAO, BEST COLUMN EVER!!!!).

So yeah.  That’s what I did.  Pretty stupid, but it was either that or write a ‘proper’ column, which you really don’t want.  Believe me, you don’t.

War is heck?  No way
Makin’ trouble is splendid
And sugar-free too

 Anyway, what’s next.  Oh yes…

Add-On Section Of Stupidity

Yeah, another pretty big wait in between columns.   Kinda sucks for my many adoring fans, but I never said this relationship would be easy.  My excuse?  University next week, so I’ve been having to get myself together.  It’s all pretty exciting/nerve-racking, but I’m sure the new location will make for some fun stories.  And yes, I will try and delve deeper into what exactly goes on at the Anti-Nazi Society’s meetings.  I’m betting it’s just a really sneaky front for a Pro-Nazi organization.  With orgies and stuff, where they make hot sweaty love in the shape of a swastika.  University is gonna be cool.

See all the new changes?  Aren’t they pretty?  You mark my words, Art Askew is going DOWN.

I wrote a song:

If you want to get in contact with the one known as POJK,
I’ll tell you how to get across what it is you have to say,
E-mail him at tommyb_uk (that’s @hotmail.com)
Or alternatively use the TAC forums, and tell him he’s the bomb

Try singing it along to ‘Lucky’ by Britney Spears.  It won’t work, but at least it’ll keep you busy.

So very, very sleepy…

Editors note:  Tom's little war is already producing results.  Just a little while ago I received a very sweet email from eXtremepaintballer_Kenny@webtv.net expressing his interest in our little war.  For your reading pleasure, here it is, verbatim.

Before I close I would just like to say that Tom is a real doodie-head for not supplying this 'baller' with his own email address (see, I suck at witty repartee).

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