|
COMING SOON: THE COLOUR OF
MORALE SUPER-SPECIAL-LIMITED-EDITION DVD BOX SET!!!!!!!!!!! FEATURING:
DELETED COLUMNS, WHICH WERE STARTED BUT NEVER
FINISHED BECAUSE THEY JUST WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:
Deleted Scene 1:
The following
column takes place in real time, from 1:05 am to 1:15 am, because I’m bored
and want to see what kind of stuff comes out if I just sit at the computer
and work with-out stopping.
The Colour Of Morale
Is it that
time again? Why yes it is! Once again, doing a ‘proper’ column is a little
too strenuous, so I’m just going to type stuff down as it comes into my
head. It will be awesome. Possibly.
I don’t know
who any of the other columnists on this web-site are anymore, mostly because
there seems to have been an influx of female columnists, and I make it a
rule not to talk to girls. Eww, icky. And speaking of girls, oh boy, do
they love shopping. But driving? Hey, don’t even go there! Yes, girls are
truly terrible drivers. And what’s the deal with their obsession with
CUSHIONS? I tell you, if women ran the world, the whole place would be
COVERED in cushions. I could so be an observational comedian if I wanted.
I would be the bomb.
01:07:45
Beep-buh!
01:07:46 Beep-buh!
01:07:47 Beep-buh!
I love when
that happens. It really adds to the excitement and thrill of the column,
just so long as you ignore all the gaping plot-holes.
Here is a
picture of a frog being denied a Mars Bar. Marvel at my use of perspective.
Deleted Scene 2:
The Colour Of Morale
Review Spectacular
Simple and
easy, I review stuff and tell you how good it is on a scale of one to
awesome. Sorted.
Review 1
Busted –
‘Busted’
For you peons
who don’t know, Busted are a hardcore underground British punk band, who
know what they want, and how to get it. Here is a picture of them,
receiving their Awards For Contribution To Rock:
These
fresh-faced young scamps go by the names of (from left to right) Jamie,
Charlie and Matt. They know what they want, and are prepared to do anything
to get it. Download their epic masterpiece ‘Year 3000’. It is awesome, but
it makes you think too. Like the Silver Surfer, he was pretty big on the
whole contemplation/philosophy thing. I miss the Surfer, but he got a whole
lot less cool as soon as the fucking Fantastic Four made him all
compassionate and stuff. Here’s one of the most powerful people in the
universe, who’s able to destroy whole galaxies if he wants, but a big orange
rock, a firey ponce, ‘Stretchy Sid’ and some invisible bint make him a big
girly girl. Bunch of jerks… and on a side note, the Surfer could totally
beat Superman.
HILARIOUS OUT-TAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And as I was
saying to Darkfather the other day, ‘you can cram your stupid schedule
straight up your
bottom!!!'
WTF?!?!?!?!?!? Is that WINGDINGS?
OMGZZZ that is SOOOOO WACKY AND HILARIOUS!!!
But
seriously, what about that Lurker Girl? I mean, there’s over-rated, there’s
OVER-RATED and then there’s... **Tom slips on a small pile of parrot faeces
and lands flat on his face** ROTFLMAO THAT WAS SOOOOOOO HILARIOUS, OMG WHERE
CAN I PUT MY FACE, I’M EMBARRASSED TO THE POWER OF INFINITY, YET STILL
AMAZED AT HOW HILARIOUS IT WAS!!!!!!
Hey, what’s
the deal with airplae peanuts? Wait a minute… WTF is an airplae? OMG, that
has GOT to be the most hilarious typo EVER. My, but I’ll be LOLing about
this in years to come. If only I had a digital versatile disc, I could
share this hilarious moment with the world.
INSIGHTFUL COMMENTARY!!!!!!!!!
Tom W Blackett: The second ever Father Flash
XXXtreme strip, which features some award-winning use of perspective in the
third frame. Marvel at the blackboard. Gaze in delight at the table. Try
to ignore the guy with the bow-tie, he’s a bit wanky. All made up for in
the last frame though, with some very subtle ‘Darkfather is Hitler’ humour.
Also, notice
the lack of backgrounds, which is obviously because these took place during
the period when Father Flash was transported to the Negative Zone by
Mistress Priest (see ‘The Reasonably Secret Wars’ series for more
explanation).
EXCITING INTERVIEWS WITH THE CAST AND CREW!!!!!!!
Martin Bashir: So, Tom, how’s it going?
Tom: ‘Tis
cool.
Martin Bashir: Tell me, aside from the operations
you’ve on your nose which we’ve already discussed, have you had any other
cosmetic surgery performed on your face?
Tom: Now
come on, that’s ridiculous. People’s faces change as they get older, and
that’s what’s happened to me, but just on a more extreme scale. My bones
just happened to reposition themselves, and in some cases disappear
entirely, but this is just what happens to people as they age. These
allegations are ridiculous, I’m going to film my own interview where I can
finally let the people see my side of the story.
Tom: So, Tom, how’s it going?
Tom: ‘Tis
cool.
Tom: Awesome. And I must say, you’re looking pretty
spectacular today, and completely natural. I also feel compelled to tell
you that you’re just as popular as you ever were, and not wacky in the
slightest. In fact, I’d go as far to say that you really are the closest
thing to the Messiah, and that it’s totally understandable if you feel like
chucking your kids out of hotel windows every now and then.
Tom: WORD.
PLUS!!!!!!! AN EXTRA DISC OF BORING STUFF THAT
YOU’LL NEVER WATCH, INCLUDING GUYS WITH BEARDS RAMBLING ON ABOUT CGI AND
TECHNICAL BOLLOCKS THAT NO-ONE CARES ABOUT, AND PATHETIC ‘BEHIND-THE-SCENES’
FEATURES WITH THE CAST LYING THROUGH THEIR TEETH ABOUT HOW MARVELLOUS IT WAS
WORKING ON ‘THE COLOUR OF MORALE’ BECAUSE TOM PAID THEM AN EXTRA 15% TO DO
SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONLY £24.99!!!!!!!! BUY IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SEND FEEDBACK TO
tommyb_uk@hotmail.com !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PEACE OUT, WORD DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
