New Column
fo' yo' izzasses.
The Box
A trip to the local multiplex sounds
simply "grand" on an otherwise slow
Tuesday afternoon. It seems like a safe haven for a young screen
writer/director such as yours truly. You'd think it's a zone you can go
unguarded. You'd think that, but you'd be terribly wrong.
"The Preview Commenter"
This group shows no remorse. With
mindless comments like "We should see
that" and "It better be good" being fired off after each trailer, they
ruin the build-up for the feature itself. They are buzz killers. Nothing
more, nothing less. Luckily, we must only deal with them for about 10
minutes.
"The Nacho Chewer"
Common fucking sense. If beepers and
pagers are asked to be shut off
(which is another group of people so hate-inducing, that I decline to
mention them further), then what makes you think that nachos will get
the sound approval that Gummi Bears and M&M's have gained. THEY ARE
CHIPS. CHIPS MAKE NOISE.
It's the theaters fault for selling
them, but the people should know
better.
"The Memory Jogged"
A picture from a book is displayed on
the silver screen. Upon seeing
this, you say loudly to your friend (they always travel in 2's), "That
reminds me, I gave Aunt Laura a photo-book of cats for her 75th wedding
anniversary." If you've ever done this, you have been memory jogged. 9
times out of 10, the remembered information was pointless... "The
walnuts in the cupboard have gone bad"... But there is that one time
when a pager goes off on-screen, and somebody yells "Seeing that pager
reminds me that the tingling I felt in my left shirt pocket wasn't a
heart attack at all, but it was my pager notifying me that they found a
donor for my kidney! Thank you Def Jam's How to be a Player!"
"The Apologetic Numbskull"
If you're seated in the middle of the
aisle, and you get up to exit for
whatever reason, here's a tip F.Y.I.: We know you don't WANT to be in
that awkward position, so stop fucking apologizing and making us miss
MORE of the movie than we would have, had you just moved your ass.
Great, even though I don't know what
kind of people that Sixth Sense kid
saw, at least I know that you're sorry for sticking your junk in my
face.
"The Deaf and The Foreign "
"...Because the sun will rise again.
Who knows what the tide may bring?"
"I do' 'no? I sowwy fo' you?"
"Que?"
"Hmmm?"
"Whaaaaaa?"
These are the people who haven't
taken the time to learn the english
language, and then bitch in their native tongue about how they can't
follow the movie in a U.S. multiplex. Either that, or they simply can't
hear. Of course, it'll only be a hop skip and a Hearing Aid away from it
turning into the first reason, anyway.
"The Parents Who Let Their
Children Play in the Aisle"
Quit doing it, you fucking idiots.
They're not precious, they're a
nuisance.
"The Peace Sign Squad"
Let me just be the first (or
14,067th) to tell you that putting your
fingers up in front of the projection booth window to cast a shadow
on-screen, does NOT make you a star. It makes you a Jackass. Learn how
to act, I didn't pay $37.69 for a ticket and a small soda to see your
lame ass trying to gain attention from people who only turn around to
see "Who the fuck-head is."
To all these people (plus many more),
the bird is heartily flipped in
your direction, for today, they all gathered once again to accompany me
through the feature of the day, Signs. Although I escaped without a
scratch, I'll always remember the horror of a balding, fat man seated
behind me and his problems that included Backne, social rejection, and
the Cher concert selling out before it reached the door.
That's all my ranting for the next
half hour. Keep the feedback coming.
I check the TAC board at least once a day (usually at night), so it's
not like I'll miss any of it.
You are now in The Box. Settle in and
let it happen.
sAm |
