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History and Some
Meals
with sAm "Big Italy" Larson
Welcome all.
It has now been a few hours after you have feasted on your Thanksgiving meal
(if DF gets this column up by Friday, that is), so I know what you're
thinking. "ALL I CAN SEE IS TURKEY MEAT!!! HOW CAN WE STAND DAYS UPON
DAYS OF THIS?!" The thing is...
You don't have
to!
That's right!
All that left-over turkey can be thrown away in front of a homeless person
for all we care! You's gets to eats new food!
HISTORY:
All those years ago, when we slaughtered the Indians to gain access to their
daughters, wives, and weed, we ate large amounts of food to set the tone for
the "AMERICAN WAY".
Amazing, huh?
So amazing, in
fact, that we carry this tradition still to this day! We are now
currently searching for another race of people to destroy, only this time in
the Middle East. Bush has been trying to step the slaughter up a bit,
just in time for Thanksgiving. However, there's too much red tape to
make the Turkey Day deadline. But for those who are thinking that your
holidays just won't be the same without a slaughter, I would like to set
your mind at ease. When you begin to chew on your first tasty cut of
bird, know that as long as George W. Bush is President, you can count
on lots of needless bloodshed to make your holiday perfect and (more
importantly) authentic in every way.
Sliced Beef With
Mushrooms:
1/2 cup thinly sliced mushrooms
2 tablespoons finely chopped onion
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 clove garlic, crushed
1/4 cup margarine or butter
2 tablespoons snipped parsley
1 pound beef tenderloin or rib eye ---(Delmonico), cut into 8 slices
2 tablespoons margarine or butter
Cook and stir
mushrooms, onion, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, salt and garlic in 1/4
cup margarine until mushrooms are tender. Ohhh, those tender
mushrooms. Stir in parsley; keep warm.
Cook beef in 2
tablespoons margarine over medium-high heat, turning once, until desired
doneness, 3 to 4 minutes on each side. Serve with mushroom sauce.
***FOUR FUCKING SERVINGS***
HISTORY:
You know, a lot of people don't know this, but after our loving ancestors
raped the villages (along with its inhabitants), they made poopies on the
Indian's sacred ground and laughed, for they did it in a neat pile that
looked like their King.
Deviled Eggs:
6 hard-cooked eggs
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1/4 teaspoon pepper
3 tablespoons mayonnaise, salad dressing, vinegar or half-and-half
Cut peeled eggs
lengthwise into halves. Slip out yolks; mash with fork. Mix in
salt, mustard, pepper and mayonnaise. Fill whites with egg yolk
mixture, heaping it lightly. Arrange eggs on large serving plate.
Cover and refrigerate no longer than 24 hours.
***SIX FUCKING SERVINGS***
--- Catsup
Deviled Eggs: Decrease salt to 1/4 teaspoon and substitute 1/4 cup plus 1
tablespoon catsup for the mayonnaise.
--- Deviled Eggs
With Olives: Decrease salt to 1/4 teaspoon, omit mustard and mix 1/4 cup
finely chopped ripe olives and 1/8 teaspoon curry powder into the egg yolk
mixture.
--- Party
Deviled Eggs: Garnish each deviled egg half with cooked shrimp, rolled
anchovy fillet or sliced pimiento-stuffed olive.
--- Zesty "Poon-Wetting"
Deviled Eggs: Decrease salt to 1/4 teaspoon and mix 1/2 cup finely shredded
process American cheese (about 2 ounces), 2 tablespoons snipped parsley or 1
teaspoon prepared horseradish into the egg yolk mixture.
HISTORY:
After their grand meal on the New World, the new arrivals phoned up the
Mexicans to see what the dilly. Nothing was crackulatin', so Jose and
Pedro dropped the 411 about a dish that his village have held sacred for
years. They shook down to Mexico with a blunt and some colt to tag out
with the grub of the homeboys, but I have a little surprise for all of you
bright-eyed pixies out there. As you know, after feasting on tacos in
Mexico, they began what is now known as the Battle of the Dizzneats, in
which all knowledge of the sacred dish was destroyed.
... Or so
we thought. It is with great pleasure that I introduce for the first
time, the dish that so many a Mexican died trying to protect...
Gordita
Sopapilla ("The Great Pillow"):
4 flour gorditas
2 tablespoons melted butter
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/4 cup sugar
1 pt. vanilla ice cream
honey
Preheat oven to
350 degrees. Combine sugar and cinnamon. Place the gorditas on
cookie sheet and brush melted butter on each one. Sprinkle lightly
with cinnamon-sugar mixture and place in oven for 8-10 minutes or until
lightly browned and starting to crisp. Top with a scoop of vanilla ice
cream and drizzle with honey.
***FOUR TO EIGHT FUCKING SERVINGS***
As you shit out
the rest of your meal from last night, please take comfort in knowing that
history always repeats itself, and you'll ALWAYS see your meal at least
twice.
***NEXT WEEK***
Eminem and I sit down and talk about days passed, and things that will
someday become the future... Also, we talk about our mad bitches.
Mad as in quantity, mind you. |
