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"The snake behind me hisses, what my damage could have been."
The Box
I looked at the
hit counter on this site when I was in a state of hazy... haze. It was
3:09 am.
I looked at the
hit counter, and knew a higher number was its destiny. I needed to push for
that number to grow. I needed to spread the word of the glory of TAC.
I needed to
promote in chat rooms.
Catering to the
apparent demographic this site is directed towards (considering the columns
by Mr. Apple, Tom, and SHAFTR), I entered Gay_Males_Room_4_Men and "set up
shop". Going into this, I knew I needed to draw much attention to myself to
promote this properly... I shall let you read.
sAm: You want to
know a seeeecret?
JoshSNet: yeah
sAm:
www.theaskewcrapper.com is downright nifty.
I then got no
response for about a minute. They had ignored the Word.
www.theaskewcrapper.com IS downright nifty, goddamnit, and they were going
to know it!
sAm: I think
www.theaskewcrapper.com is the only site on the web that actually wiggles
it's cute, little body.
Still. They
turn away.
sAm: It's a site
sAm: On the web,
no less.
sAm: If you feel
like dancing with latinos... Everyone here goes to www.theaskewcrapper.com
I assume they
were cybering some non-nifty thing, and purposely ignoring how nifty the
Crapper is. I needed to relate.
sAm: did someone
say anal sex, or did someone say www.theaskewcrapper.com?
stonerdude21:
grabs shotgun and shoots sAm
sAm:
www.theaskewcrapper.com is like a bullet to the brain.
sAm: A very
queer bullet.
This is when
they start in.
Beefy207: bah!
Can you fucking
believe that? To me!
sAm: all I'm
saying is that if your thing is hot, gay love and vice versa, your thing is
www.theaskewcrapper.com
Imakepoo: Don't
post links unless you see a host.
sAm: A ghost?
Imakepoo: a host
sAm: A
lampshade?
Imakepoo: Shut
up or I will kick u.
sAm: A young
black male named Timmy turned twenty-three today?
At his point, I
got kicked out of the room... But as luck would have it, I was allowed to
re-enter Gay_Males, and atone for what I've done.
sAm: I'm sorry
Imakepoo: ty
sAm: Sorry that
www.theaskewcrapper.com is so GREAT AND GAY!
Again, I was
booted. After several other gay chats kicked me out (7 of them being chats
for transsexual... Shows you how tame THEY can be, eh?), I decided to try
my hand in a strange new site called "Islam Chat". I shall transcribe
uninterrupted, due to homophobic outbursts of people who deep don really
wish to know the Crapper in a domestic and attractive way.
sAm: Islam! Woo
Hoo!
HORRENDO: what
is ur age?
sAm: Do you
enjoy content in webpages, HORRENDO?
HORRENDO:
Umm... yea
sAm: So then
would you also go as far as to say that you enjoy content in webpages?
HORRENDO:
Umm... YEA!
sAm: You need
not be ashamed.
HORRENDO: WTF
you talking bout?! I make an honest living! I aint ashamed, my momma aint
ashamed!! You talk about content?? Attitude aint good.
sAm: You know
something, HORRENDO?
HORRENDO: ?
sAm:
www.theaskewcrapper.com
HORRENDO: ?
sAm: I believe
it wishes to become an Islamic deity. Will you kiss it? ...
sAm: And quiver
your lip ever so gently.
HORRENDO: fag
sAm: If you like
'em Islamic, militant, and more gay than a zebra-pattern couch,
www.theaskewcrapper.com is for you.
HORRENDO:
Brothers are not gay, fagit.
sAm: Tell that
to the Globetrotters.
HORRENDO: THEY
WAS AMERICAN!
sAm: Yeah,
exactly...
sAm: American
BALL-HANDLERS!
sAm: Do you have
cable? It's running... to www.theaskewcrapper.com
I was then
kicked out by the chat server itself, which informed me that my tolerance
for such banter had also worn mighty thin. After each of my public
displays, in each one of the rooms packed with 50 or more people, I checked
TAC's hit counter one last time.
It had fifteen
more hits than before.
My six hours of
promotion had not been in vain after all. I paid my respects to the bitch
that is The Askew Crapper, and I trust that I will be rewarded for my
efforts.
****NEXT
WEEK****
I help rebuild the Crapper after several PC groups took place in the "Distrizzle
of the Crapizzle", as Dan Rather so eloquently put it.
Ooh!
A bonus!
Foxtrot Tuesday
Maybe the Kevin
throws a mean fox trot.
Maybe he's skilled
in the arts of the dance.
Well I have a
tale...
I was just about
seven,
before my parents were shot.
I'd have watched them get killed,
If I'd just had the chance.
On him my eyes
were locked.
His spandex did not block.
His naked self,
ran to his shelf,
and then he noticed me.
For you, young
man,
I'll flex my body
In a certain
rythmic fashion.
Say, are you a
Foxtrot fan?
I'll do karate
on a curtain
to maximize your passion.
And so he
danced,
that fateful eve,
Until he ended
in a flurry.
His lovely
prance
now made him leave.
He blended
away in a hurry.
I tell you this
tale
for you to spread the good word:
That Kevin IS dancing...
And spanking a nerd.
He started this
tonight,
He just finished reading comics,
when a Nerd spoke polite,
"Dance God Kevin? Know economics?"
"I'm failing it
bad,
and my world is a mess.
Everything that I had,
caused nothing but distress."
Kevin had heard
enough.
He moved quick,
still in the buff.
The sight of the spanking,
is sure to make you sick.
SL |
