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"Is it secret? Is it safe?"
Betokening of
Celluloid
Brand new column
name, brand new column content. We will begin by crushing the loverly land
of Middle Earth under our microscope, and taking a look at what it's seedy
underbelly has to offer. And what exactly does it offer?
Lots and lots of
homosexuality.
The Lord of the
Rings
LotR as a Whole.
Bored of the
Rings was a book published long before the situation comedy used The Lord of
the Rings as a way to get an easy laugh. Though funny, the writer obviously
didn't try to look very deep. This is apparent as you look at the
Bilbo-Dildo switcheroo in the first few pages.
I am aware that
I am not the only one that knows about Bored of the Rings, so I figured I
would make mention of it before I attempted to do essentially the same
thing. This is not a short story, this is a breakdown (in my case
literally). Ok, sAm good, Bored of the Rings bad. I'm glad we have that
straight, because our road for the next few scroll-downs will have very
little straightness involved.
Bilbo
The oral
fixation on this fellow is staggering. He always seems to need something in
his mouth, whether it be food, beer, or a pipe (which he lets dangle
seductively to the side). He's eccentric, he's loud, he's curious, and he's
knee-high. With all these attributes, slap him with a rainbow flag and call
him Mr. Pro-Gay Posterboy. Tolkien must have had a hopeful future fanbase in
mind. This doesn't mean he wrote it specifically for homosexuals, geeks,
tomboys, or urban children who use the sheer bulk of the leatherbound
edition to 'beat that mother fucker' that stole their dime bag, this just
means that he hoped for things to be a little different. I was pretty
blatant with Bilbo, here. He will probably be the only one. Come on, his
name is Bilbo for Christ sakes.
Gandalf and
Saruman
Their special
bond was really overdone, don't you agree? A major source guide has this to
say about Saruman:
"Saruman had
great power over Men's minds and great skill in his hands."
How can a poor
little gray wizard resist that?
Gollum
Slave to the
power of the dark one, Sauron.
Sauron
Symbolic of how
homosexuality was viewed at the time of it's writing: Feared and if done,
done in secret. He put what he was into the Dominant Ring, so therefore this
beautiful "gift" corrupted whomever it came in contact with.
You know what? I
just realized that this is a multi-column topic, so seeing as what I say
goes with my own work here at the wonderful Askew Crapper Resort and
Casino......
***NEXT WEEK***
The Hobbits
Merry, Pippen, Samwise and Frodo, and, oh yes... The Elves. (ie, more making
false details about classic characters) I see you salivating. |
