A pain called pre-production.

That's right, after a year of writing my screenplay (which IS technically pre-production, but I digress), I have written its final page.  For those that have never done such a wacky (sorry Nny) thing, allow me to try to explain what happens, though such an act is kind of like asking someone to describe the high you get from heroin, you need to do it for yourself to fully understand.

As you get the idea that you will be basing your story on, you are given a rush of scenarios that you either disregard or secure.  Next, as you are writing, your confidence always diminishes a little.  You think your work is shit, and it probably is.  This ultimately prompts you to wake up and realize what needs to be added in order for it to read to your satisfaction...  This doesn't mean it will be good, mind you. For now it just means that YOU'RE happy with it.  I can't see how anyone would be happy with a finished Joe Dirt or a completed polish of The Omega Code, but somebody sure fucking was, and now we have to deal it.

The final step is asking yourself one question: "Will it play as good as it reads?"

The final step is also the bane of my existence.  This is why it takes me a year to finish screenplays.  I always find myself answering the preceding question with, "There is no way this dialogue will play as well as it reads."  So I retire to my shitty PC and craft something that's not quite what it was before, yet have it still be able to carry the integrity of the original.  This simplified definition makes it seem like this is an easy situation to remedy, so now I give you an alternate definition: You, a mortal (sorry to exclude Donnacha's characters), have to make something that's not even close to equal, equal.  It's a harsh thing, let me tell you.

Which brings us to right about now, where I hold the completed screenplay in my hands, triple hole punched with two brads securing it (no, not Nowell and Majors).  A front and back cover with the title perfectly centered on the front cover, and the contents is filled with events that you've seen in your sleep for a year.  It is a perfect entry for contests or solicitors, and I can't wait to hit the print button so I can start sending them out, right? WRONG!

This is MY baby, and I'm raising the punk-bitch myself.

As I said before, I am currently very busy with pre-production.  Now is the time where me and my crew square our shoulders, so to speak, and begin to tear it up... The list:

• Find the 2 remaining leads, and fill the 7 supporting roles.  Simple.  This place is crawling with them.

• Find an entertainment lawyer in a tri-city where lawyers only deal with immigration, domestic violence, and gang defense law.  Hello haystack, where's the needle?

• Shoot a DV feature loosely dealing with the film feature, all while:
  • Collaborating on storyboards (planning EVERYTHING)
  • Fundraising
  • Doing various film prep work
  • Working a regular job to stay alive during filming

All of this is okay, though, because this is what I've worked for, and this is what I want to do.

Then there's the Crapper.  An all writing gig that's so non-bullshit due to the common ground we support, even the churchy-folk go "Goddamn, and we thought WE were the obnoxious homas."

So, a while ago DF presented the idea of writing a filmmaking Q&A but-not-quite column.  Seeing as how the description sounded like people would write in and then we would mock them instead of answer them, I agreed.  "No, no." said he.  It turns out he thought it was a stupid idea anyway and rounded it off to, "maybe you can make your column film-oriented."

I still have yet to figure out what my column will be.  So little thought has gone into it due to other matters at hand.  While I finally start to think about it as I end this week's column, I want to hear what some of your ideas are for the change.  But please, if your idea is to turn it into a film journal for my project, don't bother clicking Post in the forum.  I don't like those things, because they take away from the actual film after you break it down and analyze it in a journal entry.  Thanks for the thought, but I have to decline.  Any other ideas are welcome at the forum.  If your idea is excellent, I'll use it and I'll give you a nifty mention in next week's column!!! BLING BLING, I guess they say.  Right, Coolio Ice Digi Jigga-Pac?

Coolio Ice Digi Jigga-Pac says, "Word, kids."  How amazing!!!!!!

Thanks in advance for any help you may lend to this poor filmmaker whose mind is on overload.

sAm

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