The Box... The Strip

Steven Kilpatrick:

"Is there a "Red Pickle/Vagina Phone" that you pick up that directly links you to DarkFather so that when you've given the go ahead the strip is unleashed on the Russians?"

The answer, my friends, is not blowing in the wind.  It is in my mouth.  And the answer is yes.  I am drunk right now, as my fiancé has bought a 30 pack of Bud, and I am about a third of the way in, in under 2 hours, so forgive my rambling, drunken nature and spelling errors.

So yes, people, there is such a phone.  Take a look.

Here is a list of the functions such a wonderful phone has:

1: Patented 'Swiv-Motion' hips allow easy dialing and inappropriate hump motions to make your own live, artistic comic like your favorite columnist and mine, sAm!

2: The pussy and ass hair patches are grown in a scientific dish made of plastic.  PLASTIC I TELLS YA!  And are genetically crossed between baboon fur and Toni Braxton's waxed chest hair, with a little bit of eel slime thrown in for texture.  If you dislike the Vaginal Tom/Pickle DarkFather motif, the reason to purchase this hot item is for this feature and this feature alone.

3: DarkFather is the piece this phone revolves around.  This wonderfully crafted replica has the ear and mouthpiece on the back, and fits neatly into Tom's vagina-mouth to hang up on those pesky FBI agents who keep telling you that you murdered your mother, even though you passed it off perfectly like it was due to acute eye-destructo.  The phone cord extends and retracts into the vaginal opening, and can extend up to 10 feet!  That's enough to club a baby seal and still have 8 feet to talk on the phone with!  WHAT A DEAL!

4: Now onto the "yes" that answers Steven's question… this is an exact replica of the WWIII phone that George W.  Bush upgraded to just last week!  It is directly linked to DarkFather, and is as red as red can be (without being completely red!).  The keypad is functional, but since it's linked to DarkFather, just have him connect you for free!!!  EVEN TO JAPAN!!!  EVEN IF HE'S SUPER-BUSY!!!  Not only that, you'll be notified of such events as:

-The end of the world -World War 3 -Sonny Bono's resurrection -The decline of panty shields -William Shatner's newest album -Fabio's latest accident on a carnival ride -Sale on brooms -African American births in Mississippi and Kansas

OWN YOURS TODAY!

I will now take my leave from you, folks… for now.

Happy holidays to all Nuggets everywhere.

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